Life is A Great Adventure

Overwhelmed, by blessings

2011-06-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to have too many good things going on in your life at once?
The past few weeks I have felt so stressed out,
so overwhelmed,
so scattered.
First we decided we were going to buy a house, and of course the house I loved, we didn't get.
So we put an offer in on another house, and they accepted it.

We are still in the process of closing, a process I had never realized was so extensive and painful, thousands of telephone calls back and forth with realtors, insurance agencies, lending companies (most of which my fiance has handled, thankfully!) appraisals, inspections, it'll all quite the hassle.
But, ultimately it is a good hassle.

Our closing date is set for July,
And it seems like everything, or just about everything in my life, will spiral after that.
All wonderful blessing that I am so very grateful for, but a little overwhelming non the less-

We are set to close on the house the third week of July
I will be moving mid-august,
I begin nursing school late august,
and we will be getting married the first week of September.

And, luckily, this crazy out of control spiral of changes isn't only happening for me, my fiance graduated nursing school in may, passed the NCLEX, was hired, and will be beginning his first job as a nurse the same week we close.

He will be moving out on his own for the first time,
and getting married, only a month later.

I am so happy for all of these changes, so grateful, so excited, and so absolutely terrified that I won't be able to handle it all. If you know me, you know I have this amazing ability to panic when my routines are messed up. I handle minor change all right, but too much yields a freak out. And I wonder how long it will take for me to feel like my feet are firmly planted again, and I can have a routine, and can know what to expect each passing day.

fingers crossed

2011-05-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to be thinking about buying our first house.
The thought for the past two years has petrified me, literally.
There was no way in my mind that we would ever be able to feasibly afford a home right off the bat.
But as the day approaches & we started looking at homes to rent
and the cost of apartments- it dawned on me.
For the price of what we wanted in a rental,
maybe we could afford a home.
We talked and decided maybe that would be best,
and idealogically I got on line this week,
and fell in love with the very first house I saw-
It was in the lower end of our price range,
& had so much character.
I thought, what can it hurt to go look at this house?
We'll look, and find something wrong,
some reason to dismiss it and keep on looking.
But we didn't....
So then I thought, well, we'll apply for a loan,
but we probably won't get it right off the bat,
or the interest rate will be horrible,
and we'll have to wait.
And that didn't happen either.
So we made an offer-

I don't know if the bank will accept our offer.
I don't know if the first house we saw will be the home we end up in,
and I am eager to know what the bank decides.
Either way, I think maybe,
at least for the moment,
I have moved beyond petrified,
and into a place of hope...
of possibility.
I am sure that petrified feeling will return,
and I know that the reality is that if we do get the house we have a lot of work to do
and if we don't get the house, it may take a while to find something else we like,
and that it may not all be as easy as the first steps have been-
but I am excited.
and exhausted.
and hoping tonight I will fall asleep without dreaming of wall colors and foliage,
tile, and how much it may cost to re-shingle the roof
or replace the boiler.

At the end of the day, its not in my hands, and I know who is really in control.
And shoot, if the end of the world is May 21st, I may never know, lol.

Just a sneak peak

2011-04-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

Some of you keep asking me about what I have in mind for the wedding.

And though I have tried to describe and explain and pantomime,

I am still getting bewildered looks of "Really?!" or "I don't get it" or "Are you sure?"s

So I thought I would post a few pieces of inspiration, to get some of you

to get the feeling of what I am looking forward to, hopefully without ruining the "surprise"

ALL of these photos are stolen, some from My Sweet and Saucey (one of my fav websites) and many from the beautifully creative mind of Christie Brim McGuire. I do not take credit for any of these ideas, other than liking them. So I hope you enjoy!

old platters and suitcases & travel theme:

glass bottles and jars/mason jars of different shapes and sizes

vintage vintage vintage:

hope you enjoy! & if you see something you feel would add to the feel of our special day, jars, platters, etc that we could borrow, I would love it! & thanks Brim for so many beautiful ideas!

Who Told on Me?

2011-04-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

Driving in the car today, I just started laughing hysterically when this song came on. Because I don't know who told on me, but someone called this artist, and described me to her. She in turn, wrote my theme song. Don't believe me, these are they lyrics:

THIS IS THE STUFFI lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use

I don't know who told on me, but I do know that she forgot the line about loosing my wallet. Everything else is pretty much covered. And I'll have a hard time getting frustrated next time it happens, because everyone knows.

Uh-oh!

2011-03-09T09:25:00.001-08:00

Look who is finally planning a wedding, kinda.
lol.
Dress, check.
Location, check.
Caterer, check.
DJ, check.
Photographers, check. (Right? Probably need to get that check in the mail soon...).
Still trying to figure out save the dates & invites,
& rentals & flowers.
And the boy needs to start thinking about tuxedos & the honeymoon.
And rings.
And premarital counseling.
Hmm, guess I am not as on the ball as I thought.
oops, lol.

The Motions

2011-02-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

sometimes, a song says it all.

This migh hurt, it's not safe
but I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life.

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way, take me all the way
Take me all the way, cause I don't wanna go through the motions
Take me all the way, I know i'm finally feeling something real
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
Take me all the way, take me all the way

Take me all the way, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go
take me all the way, through the motions
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
~Matthew West

a few of our engagement photos

2011-01-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

a glimpse of later

2010-11-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

I got to spend some quality time with my fiance this week-
I love those weeks, where we don't have to rush and hurry,
squeezing in little moments and short conversations,
while running from one thing to the next.
Instead we got to hang out, talk, watch tv, walk the dog.
We got to be with each other.
Those times make me so happy,
a little teaser of what is to come,
one day when we live not only in the same town,
but under the same roof,
getting to see each other, cuddle on the couch,
and just be.
I just adore these tiny glimpses into the future.

Marriage

2010-10-05T03:25:00.000-07:00

I am a little put off by society sometimes. I am tired of how negatively some people react when they find out I am engaged, as if they feel sorry for me, as if they are trying to console me for my future failed marriage.

When did this come to be? When did society decide that loving someone forever, commiting yourself to someone for the rest of your life, was a bad thing?

I was told this week, not to marry for love.

I should only "marry for convenience," they said, or "to save money" or so that we can "have sex" without guilt because we love Jesus and the bible tells us to wait. But, they claimed, if we "marry because we are in love, our marriage will fail. Because love doesn't last forever."

What an absurd thought.

Marriages fail for many reasons, but to me it seems those reasons have more to do with a lack of love and commitment to each other and for God.

I know that I am young, and maybe ignorant or optimistic, but normally when I see a couple going through divorce, they don't claim the cause as "we can't stay together because we love each other."

Wouldn't you want to, need to, be in love with the person you choose to spend your life with?

I don't expect marriage to be perfect, I expect it to be a lot like my new workout routine. P90x. Its hard, challenging you everyday with something new that you have never done before, something you haven't done in years, or something you never thought you would need to be able to do or have to do again. Each day you are finished exhausted.

You have to decide each day to keep "pressing play..." even when you are tired and sore and ready to give up. Even when you don't see any results. You shouldn't expect everything to be pretty right away-
pretty comes with practice, and practice comes with time. You have to learn the motions before you can perfect them. You have to set goals, and pace yourself, and fight through the pain.

Decide, commit, succeed. Do your best & forget the rest.

Isn't that what marriage is? Learning, stretching, fighting for eachother? You have to practice, you have to try, even when you are exhausted and giving up seems easier. You have to realize that it won't always be easy, and you won't always have everything down right away.

Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision. Loving someone is a commitment. Marriage is a commitment.

Is not love the ingredient that makes a marriage work? When you are tired, and frustrated, arguing, and broke.... isn't it love that enables you to make it through? Love that enables you to forgive, to let go, to compromise?

Again, maybe I am naive, young, ignorant, but from what I have learned in my life until now, there are three things that are necessary to make a marriage stand the tests of time:
1. Love one another
2. Commitment to one another
3. Have a strong relationship with God

If you are going into a marriage expecting anything but a lot of work, you may be disappointed. If you go into it knowing you will face battles, ready and willing to stand side by side through it all, no matter what "it" is, and you trust and hope in God, you might be suprised by what you find.

At least, that is how I see it.

I am marrying for love.

Even More in Love

2010-08-17T01:17:00.000-07:00

Ever find yourself looking back and pondering-
how young you were, and how old you felt?
Or how small you were, and how big you felt?
Or how little you knew, but how smart you felt?
It is so interesting to me how perspective changes experience.
And how time changes perspectives.
I am right now in a place of wonder,
thinking about how much more in love I fall with my fiance,
every single day.
Looking back, every day before, it seemed as if I could not love him more than I did that day,
Yet the next day, I find myself falling deeper, farther, harder for the man that holds my heart in his hands each day.
Some people ask me what it is he has done to make me say that-
which almost hurts,
because he doesn't have to do anything.
The things he does for me are plentiful, and I am so grateful for them...
But the things he does are not why I love him,
they have never been why I loved him,
and are not the reason I love him even more with each heartbeat.
I see two types of love within couples-
There is the love that rises and falls based upon moods and events,
arguments and finances....
a love that is legitimate, however it is a love that doesn't always seem....
Happy?
Fulfilling?
Entire...?
but there is this other love-
a love that flows from deep within a heart,
deep within a soul-
a love uncontrolable...
a love that exists in the eternal honeymoon phase-
a love seen in smiles, and laughter,
a love giddy with excitement over the possibilities each new day holds-
a love that doesn't tire with time,
doesn't strain at difficulty,
a love that almost, in itself, seems not to age into comfort.
It is not insecure by anymeans,
but rather...
hardworking...
active...
determined not to settle for the mindset of security, comfort, ease...
a love strengthend by difficulty,
but not changed by it...
it's almost...
in a way...
a love that matures... without growing up.
A love, so beautiful society declines it can exist.
But, I have seen it...
And I have felt it.
And I know, that as much as I love him right now,
I will love him even more tomorrow,
and that my love for him tomorrow doesn't begin to compare with how in love I will be 60 years from now.
Because with each new day comes new experience,
and each new experience leads to a new perspective,
and each new perspective is a chance to learn, grow, discover
another way to love him more.... to love him better.
so here I sit,
smiling at the thought of being in love with him,
giggling over memories had,
and memories yet to be made,
and knowing, without a doubt,
how much I love him.

And it begins, again.

2010-07-31T22:04:00.000-07:00

So I have come to the decision that life for me is just going to stay crazy.

Summer semester wrapped up July 27th, which is WONDERFUL. I am so glad to have it over and done with. However, my CNA certification course began July 26th, so there was not really a break.

In addition to school, I decided to move, yet again, which began on July 23rd. Because I am crazy. Fall classes will begin August 15th, I was supposed to be taking 12 units, however, due to my CNA class, I had to drop to only 6 units. A disappointment, but I am sure it is not a decision I will regret in the long run.

The move is mostly complete. (I am all moved out, but not all set up).... There are still pictures to be hung, and my "office" needs to be unpacked and organized, but other than that, the majority of it is complete.

And I love my new apartment.

In other news, I got a phone call Tuesday night informing me that my cousin's (the cousin I was always the closest to growing up, one of my childhood best friends), husband was killed in a motorcycle crash in Nevada. That has really shaken me up, because I know how much they loved each other. They have a one year old daughter together. They were high school sweethearts, and had been together for (I believe) eight years or something. And I know how much I love my fiance. And I know how devastated I would be to loose him. And I can't even begin to imagine the pain she must be in. And I can't afford to go and see her. I hate that. I say this because I am asking that you pray for her. Pray for peace and comfort, strength and wisdom. Pray for her daughter, that those around her can give her pieces of who her father was, help her to know him as she grows up. Pray for finances and provision, as both my cousin and her husband had recently began new jobs, and neither one of them had insurance. Pray for my family on the west coast, and those who will be traveling to Nick's services on Monday night, for safety, and the wisdom and strength to support this hurting family. Most of all, pray for God's will in the midst of this tragedy.

some recent photography favs

2010-06-26T02:07:00.001-07:00

a new favorite past-time

2010-06-15T04:13:00.000-07:00

so its really only recently that this has happened,
but for some reason it just makes me so happy to think about,
happy to look back on,
a few activities that I get to do with my fiance,
that for some reason I just intrinsically enjoy.

1. Studying together
2. Walking the dog
3. Cooking dinner together

I love these memories.
More than I can explain or describe.

Truth Or Dare

2010-06-03T02:53:00.000-07:00

Last night a work, I walked over to visit with a few of my favorite people- people I am so blessed to know.
They were in the midst of a classic childhood game,
a game perhaps that is forgotten as we pass adolescence- but maybe a game that has intrinsic value.
They were playing truth or dare.
There is nothing exceptional to truth or dare, other than the things you may find out about people, and about yourself.
A friend asked me what I liked most about myself.
A fairly simple question, with an exceptionally difficult response.

For most of my life, I hated who I was. There was not a single aspect of "me" that I felt had any sort of value whatsoever.
Even after becoming a Christian, I struggled with the concept that God would be capable of loving me, a being so worthless.
I hated the way I looked, the way I spoke, I hated that I was smart, and I hated that I wasn't the most intelligent. Essentially, I hated me. And hate is a nice way of putting it.

It wasn't until my freshmen and sophomore years of college that I really figured out why I hated me. That was hard to digest also.
And I learned, a lot.
And I have grown, a lot.
I think I understand more about myself then I ever have.
I understand my weaknesses, I have accepted my weaknesses (to an extent).
I am still working on figuring out what my strengths are.
I am still trying to figure out what I am good at-
and I live constantly under my own critical microscope.
I am still overwhelmingly insecure, and shy.
There are things about me that I dislike-
I don't know that those things will ever go away.

But what I do know, is that above all,
beyond it all,
what I like most about me, is me.
I like the person I am,
I am striving to be the person I want to be,
striving to be the person God is calling me to be.
However that may look.

More and more I become unafraid to say the things I am feeling and thinking. I am unafraid to be imperfect, unafraid to let myself show. And I like that.
I understand that not everything I say is beneficial
(but it will probably make you laugh),
and not everything I do is wise or ends up well
(but it always results in a great lesson or story).
I try to be the best me possible,
I try to make my family proud-
I try to make my fiance proud-
I try not to make the same mistake twice-
and I try to honor God in all of my decisions.
And at the end of the day,
(or night rather, for me)
I go to bed knowing for sure who I am.
And liking it.
Irregardless of my failures, flaws, and shortcomings.

T.G.I.O.

2010-05-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

Thank
God
It's
Over!

Spring semester is done.
Finished.
Nothing more to do.
Somehow, by some crazy miracle, I pulled a 4.0
despite how stressed out I have been the past few weeks.
Today was the last day of classes for me,
and I got a 106% on my psychology final.
phew.
breath.
sleep.
It is finally summer vacation.
Until, (dramatic pause), next tuesday,
when it starts all over.
Only 2 classes this time, and NO online courses.
And I have vowed this time, that stressing out is not an option.
I don't have time.
The best part, is that my fiance is done for the summer as well,
and already in the past week I have been able to see him more than I usually get to see him during an entire month.
And oh how I love getting to see him!
I had a wonderful date night,
spending quality time with the love of my life.
And I love him more everyday.

I can't wait to read a non-academic book-
I have a week to do it,
we have chosen Donald Miller, a fav author
and an interesting book.
The next few months hold a few challenges and changes,
moving and classes and extra family living close by,
a few weddings to attend,
quality time with God (this is a big focus for me this summer),
and hopefully some really wonderful quality time with my baby.

***Crossing fingers for him and my sister***

photo update of the puppy!

2010-04-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

I realized it has been a while since I took any pictures of my baby girl, so I took a few right before I left for work! I forget how cute she is sometimes!

Am I crazy?

2010-04-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

So excited.
This long, grueling semester is almost over.
I am more than halfway through all of my courses for the semester, still holding a 4.0 (but the semester is not over yet), and I cannot wait for the end to come, to no longer have hours upon hours of online homework, and 5-6 hours of class and then going straight into work.
However, I think I am a glutton for punishment, I am taking summer classes too.
My last day of class is May 14, and my first day of Summer semester is May 19th.
What a break, right?
I am not sure why, I am not necessarily in a hurry to finish school, I really enjoy it. But I am trying to capitalize on trying to finish as much school as I can before the wedding.
I will be working my usual shift (sunday-thursday 11p-730a), then I will have anatomy class tuesday through friday from 9-1030a. I will have anatomy lab wednesday and friday from 12-3p, and I have a psychology class tuesday and thursday from 6-9. Hopefully by the fall I will be able to apply, and get accepted into the nursing program- my goal is to be done with school by 2012/2013.
I also am going to be moving sometime between July and September, not exactly sure when. Which means I get very little break. And very little extra time to see my fiance. I miss seeing him, spending time with him. I miss him. Even when I see him once a week, its like the second he isn't there my heart can feel it, I guess because I am never really sure how long I will have to wait to see him again, and normally our visits run about 2 hours. I'd love to spend some quality time with him, just relaxing and having fun.
And I would love to sleep.

a few things of note

2010-03-11T00:23:00.000-08:00

so, life is staying busy-
which equates to me being awake everyday for more hours than I would like.
school is good,
and if I could seem to get caught up on my laundry,
my life would be so much easier.
I did a bit of a gutting to my wardrobe,
cutting down to 2 baskets of clothes.
However, towels and sheets are a whole other story, lol.
I have a new car- she isn't named yet, but I am working on it.
I have enjoyed having her (I am pretty sure it is a her),
and am hoping that having a car payment every month doesn't kill me.
My puppy is officially a woman- if you know what I mean.
I ment to fix that, haven't gotten around to it...
which means that she is miserable right now,
going between the back patio & the kennel in order to save my white(ish) carpet.
Finally, today we get to make our first official decision on wedding stuff-
in the morning we are signing the paperwork for our ceremony/reception location!
in the words of steve (the monkey from cloudy with a chance of meatballs)...
"EXCITED! EXCITED!"

Breath in. Breath out. Repeat.

2010-02-19T21:52:00.000-08:00

I hate feeling stressed out.
I hate feeling inadequate, rushed, sub-par.
I hate knowing that it is simply not feesable to do everything.
I have always been the type of person to give it all or nothing.
You either get all of my attention, or none of it.
And I can't do that right now.
I can't focus on work 100% because I am thinking about school.
I can't focus on school 100% because I have to work.
I am not sleeping well because of my sister and my car situation.
I can't be available to my friends and family the way I should be.
I can't seem to keep my house clean the way I like it.
I can't stay caught up on laundry or dishes.
I can't get to the gym, or get to see my fiance.
I can't be as present in the life of my kids because of work and school.
Its like I can't seem to give more than 1/2 my energy to anything,
and it feels like nothing I am doing is good enough.
I am tired.
exhausted.
and I am ready for a break.
and thanks to the snow, there won't be one.
so, for now, all I can do is breath in, breath out. and repeat.

Its still true

2010-02-18T17:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, ok, I know I say this all the time-
and I apologize for those of you who follow on more than one avenue (ie twitter, facebook, blogspot, etc) because I am sure you are tired of hearing it-
but its still true.

I love him.
I love him more everyday,
for all of the things he is,
all of the things he aspires to do
all of the things he does.

And I miss him.
My heart does not seem to care that he is really only 25 minutes away.
It does not care that I may have just spoken to him on the phone,
or just spent a few hours with him-
When he is not with me, I miss him.
It is not always a desperate missing, but usually more of an acknoweledgement that something significant in my life is not there, an acknoweledgement of the fact that my life is remarkably less complete.

A year has passed that we have been engaged.
A begrudgingly long, painful year,
full of amazing memories that I wouldn't change for the world.
And I know that we are doing the right thing by waiting,
or at least my head knows that.
And we will wait, and we will get married on the appointed date
(unless of course he changes his mind, lol)
and it will be wonderful.
My my heart isn't liking the waiting so much.

Our anniversary was wonderful.
He suprised me by coming over while I was asleep.
He wrote me 5 notes, each telling a story about one of our favorite memories.
(He isn't big on writing, so it is a big deal to me, and my favorite part, that he sat down and wrote out his thoughts.)
Each note was placed somewhere different, 4 of them attached to a gift-
the first note was placed by my phone, which has our song, the first one we danced to, and he turned it on repeat- that is what I woke up to, is our song. The rest of the gifts included my favorite flowers, chocolate, diet coke & excedrin-
and the best gift, was him, here, loving me.

He said he couldn't top last year, when he proposed,
but I don't know if he knows that as much as I love the ring,
even more so,
I love everyday after it- everyday I get to spend with my best friend,
knowing that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me.
The ring is beautiful,
but the promise, the promise, is what I love.
He didn't have to top last year, '
because every moment I get with him becomes the new greatest moment of my life.
And though we don't get to do the exciting going out stuff,
and we typically do the boring, hang out at home and watch tv and play with the puppy,
its the boring stuff that I remember the best.

So yes, I say it a lot.
And I mean it every time.
I love him. With all of my heart I love him.

Little Wonders

2010-02-06T02:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes its the little moments in my life that I go back to, when life just seems too hard, when I feel like I can't fight any more, its in the little everyday things that I find peace and joy, hope, courage and strength.

I remember nights sitting and talking with Devon. The way I feel when he's holding my hand. I think about the morning he baked me blueberry muffins, or the morning he held me while I cried. The first time we danced in my living room to the credits of a movie, the disaster of a trip to the bank in Vegas. The night he helped me with my niece and nephew. Walking through the park. I love these little memories, these little moments that make up our lifes.

In every moment I find myself weak, he is there, helping me. Loving me.

I don't want to do life without him.

It's hard sometimes to feel like I really show him how much I care about him, how important he is to me.

The lyrics to our song seem to say it all. No matter how bad it may seem, as long as we remember we have eachother, nothing is too much. No matter how different and abnormal life might get, if love is in the midst, nothing, not even a dinosaur can tear you apart. Never give up, never stop trying. Never settle for failure. Love unconditionally.

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

From the movie Meet The Robinsons

Let it go,

Let it roll right off your shoulders.

Don't you know?

The hardest part is over.

Let it in,

Let your clarity define you;

In the end,

iIt will only just remind you how it feels.

Our lives are made

in these small hours,

these little wonders,

these twists and turns of fate...

Time falls away,

but these small hours,

these small hours,

still remain.

Let it slide,

Let your troubles fall behind you.

Let it shine,

until you feel it all around you

And I don't mind

If it's me you need to turn to...

We'll get by,

its the heart that really matters

In the end.

Our lives are made

in these small hours,

these little wonders

these twists and turn of fate...
Time falls away,

but theses small hours, still remain.

All of my regrets

will wash away some how,

but I cannot forget the way I feel right now

In these small hours, these little wonders

these twists and turns of fate...

Time falls away,

but these small hours,

these small hours, still remain.

better late then never!

2010-01-12T23:43:00.000-08:00

So, every year I post a new years blog about some of the things from the previous year that I never want to forget. And this year, I forgot... but, its not too late! So, lets get to it!

Almost dying on the way to a snowboarding trip (a front wheel drive station wagon, an ill-experienced snow driver, LOTS of ice and snow, and a large cliff- bad times.

The loss of my baby brothers father

Getting proposed to! (favorite memory btw)

Watching my baby sister get engaged

Easter Egg hunt in Beechcroft, thousands of eggs and hundreds of kids

Cody and Jill's Wedding- seeing two firsts with my fiance, him in a tux (LOVES IT) and seeing him dance.... no comment on the second =)

Paper Machee-ing a 30 foot crocodile for VBS

A crocodile hunt and tackle Steve Irwin style with my baby sister, with my fiance and baby brother hiding inside a 30 foot paper machee crocodile the last night of vbs (lets just say it was a masacre

First Trip with the Family to be to the beach, beautiful view!

Getting my first puppy since I was a kid- she was, and is, adorable. Even if she does head-butt you and shred your important tax documents, and cords... lol

Trip to Vegas to celebrate my first college roommate getting married, and first solo trip with the boy. Loved everything about it, including the almost dying of heat stroke to walk miles to the bank in 100+ degree heat, lol

Starting back at school, going from night shift at the hospital to the day shift, then back to the night shift.

Trying on wedding dresses and starting to plan the wedding, including setting the date, picking the colors (I think that was the hardest part), etc.

Moving from the ghetto to the nicer part of town, and liking my ghetto apartment better then the one I have now.

Going to Pennsylvania to meet my extended family to be, despite the fact that some of them are Chiefs fans (didn't know there were any), thought they were all wonderful people.

Having my first break down cry since 2006, in front of my fiance.

and, last, but definately not least, falling more in love with Devon every day.

Dear 2010, Please be gentle on me.

2010-01-05T00:34:00.000-08:00

so far this year is getting off to a rather rocky start,
& I have worn out my hiking boots,
As much as I adore to climb, right now it feels difficult to crawl,
hiking isn't even an option.
I feel like I am balancing precariously on a beach ball while juggling,
a very difficult, stressful, impressive, and all to unsustainable trick.
Juggling a full time job, while going to school full time,
trying to squeeze in time with my fiance, time with my puppy, and time with my family,
trying to get enough sleep, and enough study time in...
its a very delicate act, that requires all aspects of the universe to be working together perfectly all the time....
even the slightest wind change can send it all tumbling down.
And the problem with that is that other people suffer if I fail more then I will.
I am just so tired. Physically exhausted, financially strapped,
and the wind just changed again.
Good old rufus, my 2000 Kia, is trying to die on me, or kill me.
I really can't afford to fix the car, I am barely making rent, while trying to finish school.
I also can't afford a new car unless I get another job,
but I don't have time to get a second job.
All the while trying to put back money for our wedding... the wedding is going to be low budget anyway, but I'd like to at least put back something.
And I am trying to pay off my student loans.
I can barely juggle all this and keep my house clean and my life organized.
I feel like I am always stressed out,
and I am so beyond done being stressed out all the time
constantly questioning how well ends are going to meet,
if they are going to meet at all.
I am tired of worrying about whether I will have money to pay
rent and utilities on time in the same month.
I don't live like this, paycheck to paycheck.
Living like this is stressful, frustrating, exhausting.
I am always tired, always working to juggle work and school, family and friends, etc.
On a brighter note, I have a wonderful fiance,
and yesterday I think he was the only thing that held me together.
I really love him,
and I can't say it enough.

Its been a while

2009-12-23T01:43:00.000-08:00

Haven't been here in quite some time,
the constant whirr of life has kept me swept up in a tornado of semi-controlled chaos.
right now is the eye of the storm.
Fall semester just finished up, and in just a few weeks it will be time to begin spring semester. Finished the fall with a 4.0, A average.
In a sense it feels like an accomplishment, but in my heart I know that there is no excuse to have had anything less. All of my classes were a joke, and very little effort went into attaining the grades itself.
This upcoming semester will be a different story, and I hope I am ready for that.
For 3 quick months I was working first shift, now, I am back to third shift.
I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I am hoping for the best.
For me, it comes pretty naturally, I am a night owl, usually up late, and I despise mornings. I know so many people who say that early morning is the best time for quite time with God, prayer, bible studies, etc. Good for them, but I can't do it.
I could also greatly use the extra pay, because though it isn't much, it adds up.
I hope that I will be able to juggle school and work, because a downfall to third shift is that I need more sleep then usual, and I am not going to have the extra time for the extra sleep.
The other downfall is that it will take away the already limited time I have to see my fiance. We just seem to be on opposite schedules. I am sure we will make it work, but looking into the next four months and thinking about it, I feel like I will never see him, and it breaks my heart. I know that there will be time to see eachother, but it isn't an obvious time that I can pencil in day planner, but rather random bits and pieces that may come along. We are still going strong, and I love him more than ever, so I guess maybe that is why it makes me sad...
The puppy is doing wonderful, and getting into everything, just as puppies do, and making it nearly impossible to keep my house clean, but she is adorable and I guess that makes up for it.
Nothing else to update, Merry Christmas to all, have a safe holiday!

someday.... sooner

2009-11-01T20:28:00.001-08:00

I realized this week that the infamous someday,
the someday that at this point in my life
symbolizes the epitome of my hopes and dreams,
my future,
is getting closer.
Its still a long way off,
and there are many grueling days between now and then,
but it's closer.
I know that it may sound absurd to have had this realization,
that today is one day closer,
but it just hit home for me this week.
I am of course, talking about our wedding day.
It still seems so far away...
but we are now under the two year mark.
In March/April we can book our venue.
The other night we made a rough rough draft of our guest list.
All of these little things are making it feel more real.
I know that it will happen soon enough,
but at this moment, I am selfish.
I want more than a few hours a night, one night a week.
I want every morning. I want every evening.
I want to be spending my life with the man I love.
I adore and cherish the little moments I get with him,
because each moment I get is so very precious.
And I know that we made the right decision to wait...
I just wish the waiting wasn't so long
that it didn't feel like the other half of me is missing so often.
Maybe its just that I love him.
Because I love him a lot.
The one day I am waiting for, is just one day closer.

When Pigs Can Fly

2009-10-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

Heard the phrase, "yes, when pigs can fly..."
perhaps when you asked your parents for something outrageous,
or as a response when you asked someone out,
or even when playing the lottery.
Well I have great news...
Swine Flu.
So whatever oddball hope, dream, or wish you've had in the back of your mind
is now 100% completely possible.

someday

2009-10-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

I have officially been working days for about a month, and I am still just as exhausted as I was working third shift. That may or may not have to do with the fact that I am going to school too. I don't know. I do know, that I am tired. School is going well, and I am pulling straight A's, which is nice.... but the classes are kinda boring.

I went to the arboretum a few weeks ago, one of the places we have been talking about getting married at, to see what it would likely look like this time of year... and it was beautiful. I LOVE the arboretum, because it feels like a little slice of calm in the midst of such business. It is literally RIGHT next to wendover, quite possibly the busiest road in Greensboro, but you would never know it.

I would love to get married at the arboretum, for many reasons. I think it is beautiful, and I love the fact that it is somewhere our family could visit on a Sunday after church, ride bikes, play football, walk the dog. Its not some remote fancy place I've never been and that I'll never be back to. And I love the fact that it is that little piece of stillness in the midst of so much chaos... because when we get married, I know there will be times when we are too busy, chaotic, when things aren't working out the way we wanted. I don't like that these times will come, but I know that they will. But we would have this place to come back to, a place to stop and center ourselves again. I know that anywhere we get married will be wonderful, but we both want an outdoor wedding, and I would so love to have it at a place so much with meaning and potential.

Other than busyness, life is good. I love love LOVE my fiance. It sucks that I don't get to see him as often as I would like, but when I do see him, it is always wonderful. Because he is wonderful.

and of course, there is the puppy... getting bigger and more adorable all the time. She's lost all of her puppy teeth, and has a big girl bark now... she's awesome.

and, we're back.

2009-08-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

So, after a week away, we have returned to the good ole Carolina.
Vegas was good. No crazy stories to speak of, it was mostly just time.
Time to breath.
And sleep.
And laugh.
And talk.
It was quality time with the boy.
It was quality time with some old friends.
I loved getting to see some of my favorite people.
And getting to know some brand new people.

The wedding was beautiful, and I am so happy for the new Tadie family.
It is always exciting to see your friends begin a new part of their lives.

And it was wonderful to have Devon around so consistently.
I am not looking forward to the 751 days between now, and the day I won't have to say goodbye again... the day my house and his are the same address, the day that I get to hold his hand and walk side by side into the rest of forever.

There are going to be some very long, lonely, painful days and weeks between now and then. There will also be days that fly by too quickly, where time seems to be in fast forward, and the small moments we get to have with one another will never seem like enough. For both of us. We'll make it, but it is not going to be easy. But it will be worth it... during that time, we will get to know each other. We will get to support each other on our different paths to the same destination. There will be good days and bad ones, happy days, and days of sorrow... but, hey, that is life in general, right? And there is no one I would rather do life with.

As for now, it is back to the real world. Work. Life. Church. Stress. Boredom. Laundry. And next week, School. Fun fun fun.

therapy of a different nature

2009-08-02T14:15:00.001-07:00

took some time last weekend to photograph a friend an co-worker's engagement photos... these are the unedited photos, I'll get them edited once we get back from vegas, but check them out and let me know your thoughts! Great couple!!!! Loved photographing them. Congrats Sara and Joseph!

click here for a link to more photos

bring it on... gently...

2009-08-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

So, for whatever reason, the next phase of my life is going to read:

Stressed out 101

It started pre-move in early may, with the combo of packing, the boy beginning Nursing school, and the oh so not wonderful Doctors visit.

I thought it was going to end post beach trip, and when it didn't, I thought it would end post move. And then post surgery, then maybe post the boy's summer class, and then post VBS. Finally, I decided post Las Vegas trip, there would be nothing else to stress out about, and I could finally catch my breath. Stop treading water and rest on the side of the pool for a while.

But, that isn't going to happen. The quick 5k of life I thought I was running has all too easily become a New York Marathon of life... with all of the added dangers of the city.... (if you are not picking up on my metaphor, I apologize). And the worst part... I forgot my sneakers. lol.

I decided Mid-July that I was going to make this fall be the year I got back in school. Deadline to do so was August 1st.... (have we ever mentioned I am a professional procrastinator?? If you think you are good, I promise I have got you beat). I filed the FAFSA, got approved for a Grant that would pay for my year in school. One that went through, I decided to apply to GTCC, so I could work toward getting my ADN (associates degree in nursing).

footnote:
With an ADN I can get hired on as an RN, while working as an RN I can do a bridging program to get my BSN (Bachelors of Science in Nursing), become a higher level of RN, take the MCAT and hopefully get in to Medical School, to finally reach my goal of becoming an MD. I think I would like to be an EDP, A trauma surgeon, or a Pediatric EDP/Trauma Surgeon.

By some miracle, (and a lot of frustration), they accepted me. The financial aid cleared, and I registered as a full time student for fall of 2009. I am so excited to be back in school, though I am not yet in the nursing program, and I have no classes this fall I am really going to enjoy.

All of this is happening while working a full time, 40 hour a week, graveyard shift job in the Emergency Department. Where we are busy. And understaffed, especially in my department. In Spring I applied to transfer to days, and was approved, but have to stay on nights until they have trained my replacement. Last week I found out that I will be moving (finally!) to day shift on the 25th of August. I am excited and daunted by this...

it means I will be working 7a-3:30p, get home around 4p, leave for school @ 5:45p, be in class from 6-9:30p, and need to be in bed by around 11p. whew... it makes me tired thinking about it.

Aside from that, I work Monday- Friday 7-3:30, and have class Monday-Thursday from 6-9:30p. Devon Has class Tuesday-Friday until somewhere between 2:30 and 4, and then will be working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights from 7p-7a... so there is basically no time for me to see him. That is going to be tough.

So, can I do it??? Can I get good grades and work a full time job, while keeping a healthy relationship with my baby??? Only with Gods help.

and another day goes by

2009-07-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

Welcome, Colby. The pup. =)

So, I decided to quit being a slacker, and finally post a pic or two of the precious little monster that I now call Colby.

She is growing up so fast that I feel like if I blink she will no longer look puppy at all. She has lost all of the puppy fuzz and now has a beautiful black coat, and her ears become more shephard like every day. I kid you not, I swear she gains 10 lbs every time she eats. She is probably a foot taller than she was when we got her.

Her new trick is the army crawl...

its a tough one, but I am sure she will get it soon.

also on the list, dancing pretty, speak, "a little to the left," (Thank you Digger, Gilmore Girls... If she masters it I will possibly pee my pants with joy)., and, in honor of Chris, "about face."

Yes I will teach my dog completely pointless tricks.

And then I will show them off to the world.

Why?

Because its cute.

the space between

2009-07-16T03:14:00.000-07:00

oh how begrudgingly slowly, and yet quickly, time goes by... all in the same breath.
Minutes seem take their sweet, southern time, dragging out each painful second on their journey round the clock the same way a child drags their feet en route to a task they have no desire to complete....
yet it seems you've hardly blinked and a month has passed.

moving has been completed, logistically... however I am still arriving home to a house full of cardboard boxes, strewn halfheartedly across what has become our life.

There has been a new addition to the Coverston Clan... an announcement I had intended to make official with a photograph... however that seems unlikely to occur, and the excitement of her existence is too much to omit... Her name is Colby, the puppy. She is absolutely beautiful, and 100% puppy. The good news, she is smart as can be. We have only had her 2 weeks, and she already knows how to sit, lay, shake, beg, and play dead. If she is taken outside and you tell her to go pee, she does, almost immediately. She can walk on a leash without pulling, and is figuring out how to be in a Crate and not whine about it. She in general understands the concept of fetch, however her attention span for the game is quite limited... She has only had one accident inside. All wonderful traits. She is sweet and playful.

She is also puppy.

Meaning she is curious, and impatient, and selective in her listening and obeying skills.
She is a great puppy, but, don't be fooled by her calm demeanor. Take your eyes off of her and in a wisp she will have figured out how to do exactly what you don't want her to do. Close her in the bathroom with a baby gate? She can already jump it. Barricade her in the living room, she will jump over the couch. Leave your food on the table for a minute, she is standing on top of it when you return. Reprimand her, and unlike most dogs who will put their ears down and their tail between their legs, sauntering shyly away knowing they have done wrong... instead she responds like my nephew to correction... wagging her tail playfully and looking at you with mocking eyes, panting in a way that almost resembles laughter. So basically, she fits just in. lol.

It is almost time for Vegas, and despite the expenses that daunt me right now, I can hardly wait. I need a break, and a break with my closest, best friends, and the most wonderful man I have ever known, and it doesn't get much better than that.

Surgery was postponed.... for a while...
and no, its not because I cancelled it. They lost track of my appointment. And to be perfectly honest, I am more than okay with that.

I am the closest I have been to starting school in the fall... Praying that it works out. I have theoretically been approved for the financial aid, and I need to get my transcripts in, and we are good to go. The transcripts are the part that worry me... I need to have official ones sent from APU according to what I have seen online, and that will not happen because of the hold on them for the money I owe. I am working toward paying it off, but until it is, they refuse to release my transcripts. I hope this works out somehow, but there is no telling if it will or not.

I am still exhausted... not end in sight to that.
I love my fiance... no end in sight to that either =)
but gradually, we are reaching the end of this summer of torture....
and I can't wait to say goodbye to it.
It wont come a moment too soon.

toothpicks and duct tape please

2009-07-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

this month has been brutal. challenging. exhausting.
I feel like I am running on fumes, no gas station in sight, with 50 miles to go.
I am not entirely sure how I am going to get to "the end" of this chapter... but I do know for sure, that this chapter will end.

Part one of moving is done... all of our belongings have been successfully removed from our prior residence, the apartment cleaned, and the keys have been turned in. The power is turned off. The mail has been forwarded. All of our belongings have been ever so lovingly shoved and stuffed and stacked in rooms and corners and car trunks. And now we wait.
Wait for the keys to our new home, which should be ready Monday afternoon.
And then we move again. The whole process has been draining. Sleepless days have passed fretting over packing, cleaning, phone calls, and plans. Bills and schedules and all types of non-sense.

The weekend at the beach was much needed. Spending time with Devon's family was great, getting to know them a lot better, hanging out, relaxing a bit. It was a bit stressful at first, for me, since I have never been away with a boy's family before, and I was literally going on no sleep... I still haven't caught up, and I am still exhausted. But by the end of the weekend, the only wish I had was that I would have gotten a bit more quality time with the boy. I love him so much, and I really adore spending time with him.

Tuesday was focused around finishing everything for the move.... such a stressful day.
But it ended wonderfully, with a perfect suprise and some quality time with Devon. I don't think that he will ever understand how much I appreciate all of the things he does for me, how much just having him around helps me and brings me peace.

I have been awake the past few days with some wonderful distractions, Aimee, 6, and Kevin, 3, my niece and nephew, and the family. Playing and laughing, living life together. Its good to be with family sometimes, and I hope by Monday I will not have worn out my welcome =). I also got to see my baby today, held in his arms watching a movie. Every day with him becomes one of my happiest memories, and makes me long for the day that I won't have to say goodbye for weeks at a time. I miss him incredibly when he is gone, it feels like a part of my life is out of balance... like I am driving a car on only 3 wheels... still going but with lots of wobbles.

In store for next week are fourth of july with the fam (if God loves me, dads potato salad will be a part of it), moving part 2, birthday parties, vbs decorations, unpacking and re-organizing, re-establishing routines, surgery, dr appts, and, perhaps, sleep...

for now, the only way to hold my eyes open, is, as you may have guessed,
with toothpicks and duct tape.
and even that isn't working so well.

sleep, my friend, how I long to re-unite with thee...

These small hours

2009-06-03T02:51:00.001-07:00

This week has been a long one.
It's fair to say that I am beyond exhausted...
I'm at that point where I am actually becoming emotional....
easily exasperated, quickly frustrated.
At moments, wanting to cry for absolutely no reason...
all weird emotions for me.

I am not looking forward to this month...
dreading it actually. Stressing it.
Test results came back clear, praise God.
Ultrasound on the 15th, then I don't know.
Moving the 29th/30th of June, and again the 6th of July.
Lots of packing, loading, cleaning, organizing.
Lots of money to be spent, ugh.
Lots of missed sleep.
Prep for VBS in July.
Looks like I will be tired for a while...

Been listening to a lot of sermon pod casts at work lately.
Particularly Life Church's series: 30 Days to Live.
I like it. Its challenging.
Not a big fan of Craig Groshel,
or mega churches,
but the messages are good.
Been trying to think about how I would spend my life if I knew I would only have 30 days left to live....
perhaps that is why I have been so tired.
But this week has been so worth it.

Watching my favorite girls at their dance recital-
doing something they love to do.
It is such an awesome experience to see a child light up,
particularly for me, a little girl light up,
they way they do when the biggest questions they have,
"Am I good enough? Am I beautiful? Do I have what it takes?"
Are answered with resounding, "Yes."
The joy in their faces says it all.
I'd miss a week of sleep to reassure my girls that they are beloved.
beautiful. precious.
Because they are.

Spending the day with my fiance, running all over town-
looking, talking, thinking, planning...
making pizookie and redboxing it up,
sitting on the couch laughing and talking....
I love getting quality time with him like that.
I love being in the place in my life where errands with my fiance are a highlight...
I am sure it won't be that way forever,
but for now, I love it.
I know how hard it must be for him, with everything he is committed to right now.
I know he is busy. And he's going to stay busy,
And for a while, I am going to be on the back burner,
not because he doesn't love me, I know he does,
but because he really needs to be focused right now.
And I'm okay with that.
I understand that school is a first priority, I want it that way.
I love him. I'll always love him. No matter how busy he is, that will never change...
but I'll also miss him.
and for now, errands equal quality time. And I'll take it.
It was one of my favorite days with him. Ever.

Watching Brittany and Jason today...
meeting their daughter for the first time...
becoming a family.
They are going to do amazing things.
The love that family has for one another is inspiring.
I loved watching them hold their first child.
There is nothing that reflects unconditional love like the day a child is born.
Anna is beautiful, they make a beautiful family.
I respect and admire them, and I can't wait to watch their family,
and their love for one another, grow.
What is sleep compared to seeing such a wonderful moment.

But, alas...
I am exhausted.
Every minute of lost rest was completely worth it.
Wouldn't have had it any other way.
But, I am eagerly anticipating the moment my pillow and I are reunited.
I miss you old friend.

today sucked.

2009-05-20T00:52:00.000-07:00

plain and simple.
I didn't want to experience it,
and yes it was as bad as I thought it would be.
actually, it was a little worse.
I am sure that being so worked up about it didn't help things...
it caused me to freak out and have an anxiety attack.
It's been a long time since I have felt so.... alone... vulnerable... terrified.
And the best part,
they found an abnormality and I get to go back in three weeks, and do it again.
I don't want to.

I'm scared, and in pain.... confused... stressed...
I almost cried.
I feel.... flawed? not good enough?

I'll have a while till the blood test results come back,
then an ultra sound and *hopefully* an outpatient procedure.
If the ultra sound shows that the procedure is going to be too complicated,
I may need surgery.
She couldn't tell from what she saw today.
It has the potential to be deadly if nothing is done...
and though rare,
the procedure could go wrong, could be deadly too.
I don't really know what to think...
I don't really even know how I am feeling.
I have kind of always felt like something was wrong,
because of things that happened in my past....
and I was avoiding this day because of that.
I was right.
Sometimes it sucks to be right.

I am so thankful for Devon.
I feel like a total jerk for calling him,
I tried my best to keep my tone calm and under control...
I didn't want to worry him,
but I promised I would call him to let him know I was okay....
pretty sure I failed at that too...
think I made him worry more when he heard my voice
than I would have if I would have just gone home.
He came by to check on me.
It was so incredible to see him tonight,
He seems to know when I need him to be there
with out me having to ask...

Its like he just knows that I need to be held in his arms.
And I did.
And he held me.
I feel so safe there, like nothing in the world could hurt me...
I feel so loved, so precious, I needed that today.
I needed to hear him say "I love you, and I'm here, always."
Its difficult to let myself be vulnerable with him...
it something I've never done with people before....
to let down the walls I've always been so good at building...
to let him in instead of shut him out.
it hurts to feel broken in front of him...
to let him see me weak and vulnerable.
but it is also one of the best feelings in the world.
Because I can't do it alone,
and there is no one I would rather do it with.
What an incredible gift he is.

I love him with everything I have.
everything I am.
I say that a lot.
because its true.

Oh for the love of Tuesday

2009-05-12T02:13:00.000-07:00

So, there are going to be some changes soon...
Some good.... Some less than good.
But all of them hold potential.

Moving to a new apartment soon....
not excited to pack and lug all of our furniture up and down stairs in the heat of June...
but excited to be some where new.
Hopefully closer to High Point/Jamestown.
With the new place, I get to have a puppy. I can't wait for that.
We have names picked out and everything.
And looking forward to getting to see my niece and nephew a bit more than I do now hopefully.
Still have to figure out where it will be, this new place of ours, but I am definately ready to move somewhere else.... better nail that down soon.

Getting a puppy soon
which I just mentioned...
Excited to have a pet again.
To have someone to run with, play with, take care of.
Not excited for potty training and the unfortunate belonging inevitably sacraficed to puppyhood.
But its worth it.

Have my first OB-Gyn appt next week.
NOT excited for this, even though I decided to make the appointment...
Dreading it actually.... but I know its necessary.
I'd rather gouge my own eyes out... but I hear that is bad for your vision,
I like being able to see. So we'll skip the eye gouging,
take a deep breath, and deal with it.

Vegas trip is coming up.
Can't WAIT to see my roomie get married,
and spend some quality time with some old friends.
REALLY excited for them to meet my fiance.
And to spend some quality time with him and my sister.
Not excited for Vegas Heat in August.

Changing shifts soon.
Not excited for the $40 a week pay cut.
Not excited to work with Supervisors and Head Hanchos...
But I will get to have a normal life again.
Can't wait for sleeping when it is dark outside,
for having a normal schedule,,
for not being tired all of the time,
for feeling less frustrated with co-workers.

Getting a second job soon.
Not excited for the having of a second job,
but I am looking forward to being able to put some extra money into savings,
being able to pay off some more bills,
and possibly getting a new-er car.

May have found a location for the wedding.
Decided to move it to Greensboro instead of the beach...
Have always wanted a beach wedding, but looking forward to having it be less stressful, and less expensive if we have it closer to home.
Plus making it easier for the people we care about to be there.
And I LOVE the place we looked at. =)
More than anything, I love it because it is a place we can spend time together before and after the wedding, it is a place we could take our hypothetical children to on a Sunday afternoon...
It makes it more special.

One thing that hasn't changed-
I am still madly in love with my fiance.
Every day we are together, I love him more.
And I am still blown away by the fact that he likes me.
Had dinner with his parents for Mothers Day...
Starting to feel more comfortable with his family, which is good.
I'm not so good with the whole family thing, so the learning curve will take some time...
but I'm okay with that.

Head in the clouds

2009-04-02T00:46:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today, about Devon.
About how much I look forward to spending my time here on earth with him.
We've been talking about colors, and flowers, locations and bridesmaids.
Reception food, music, and photographers.
About where we'll live.

I enjoy thinking about that stuff,
but that isn't really what I look forward to.
I am not looking for a perfect wedding day,
a fancy dress and overpriced flowers.

I look forward to the next day.
Waking up to the man of my dreams, morning breath and all.

I look forward to the next week,
when it finally starts to sink in that we are married.

I look forward to the next month,
learning how to live together.
Chores and schedules and groceries.
To the stupid little arguments we are going to have,
about stupid things that don't matter.
And learning how to make up.
And about laughing at those arguments when we do.

I look forward to the next year,
when we finally feel like we've got it figured out.
And the year after that when we realize we don't.

I look forward to being able to see him every day
so much I get tired of him...
even though that seems completely impossible now.

I look forward to sunday mornings with him.
Sitting in church, growing together in God.

I look forward to having a family with him...
however that looks...
Spending my best and worst days with my best friend.

I look forward to kisses for nothing.
Falling asleep on the couch at 7pm like old farts.
And those looks that say, we are talking about that later.
Holidays with family. Superbowl parties. Camping trips.

I look forward to getting old, as long as its with him...
laughing as our bodies fall apart.

I look forward to our biggest struggle... the one that is going to blindside us.
I don't know what that is, but I know it will happen, and probably more than once.
The times that hurt so badly we don't know how we'll make it through.
Because I know we will, and I know we will be stronger and better for it.

The only day I don't look forward to is the day I will loose him.
Not to a failing relationship, but to death.
One day, one of us will be standing there,
looking at a stupid rock engraved with a name, and 2 dates.
Seperated by a dash that is to reflect the life that we had together.
It's bittersweet to know that even in absolute commitment, goodbye will come someday,
no matter how strong the love.
But I love him, and I am willing to fight for this day.

I don't want to have a wedding with him. I want a life.
I don't want to be married, I want to be married to him.
Don't get me wrong, I am excited for the wedding...
but the part I can't wait for comes next.
And means so much more.

I may be spending the next few days, or weeks, months, or years looking at dresses and colors and flowers, and stupid pillows that really serve no purpose....
but the days I look forward to the most, I can't plan for. They are the moments of life that kind of just happen, whether we want them to or not.
I really love him.

~engaged~

2009-02-24T00:58:00.000-08:00

guess a total life change qualifies as a good blogging topic? yes?
then lets.

so, as most of you have heard... me and my baby are engaged....
officially... not hypothetically =)

A brief rundown of how it transpired..... for those of you who have yet to hear the story...

Friday the 13th, the day before Valentine's Day, Devon came over... and surprised me with flowers- my favorite flowers (10 brownie points for remembering BTW).
We went to Harris Teeter, or "the teet" as I prefer to call it, at The New Friendly Shopping Center. This HT has a hot bar where you can get wraps, sandwiches, salads, soups, etc... and we got dinner. We took dinner to Bicentennial Garden (one of my favorite parts) and ate picnic style. Then we walked across the street to the Bog Garden (my very favorite park) and walked around a little bit and talked. He asked me where the waterfall was (I LOVE waterfalls), and so we walked over to the other side where the waterfall was. He was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me, and we were just talking... He suggested we go up the hill to the bridge at the top of the waterfall (a very pretty iron bridge at sunsetish time) as we started to cross the bridge he was still behind me, and asked, "Can I ask you a question?" I laughed because that is how all of our conversations start, and said "I don't know, is it a good one?" as I said this I turned around just in time to see him going down on one knee with a ring box in his hands.

the answer was yes. it was always going to be yes.

We have both agreed, pre-engagement, that we are going to wait until he finishes school. That will be in 2 to 3 years. And I think we are both committed to this timeline. (No one thinks we will be able to last that long, because of the whole sex thing). I would love to marry him sooner, but that is just the emotional part of me, and if you know me you know emotions don't win. Logically it makes much more sense to wait, and it will make the first few years of our marriage (the most difficult years, as most would say) less challenging since we will know each better, we will both be more financially secure, and we won't have the added stress of school + work + marriage. It gives us time to continue getting to know each other, without the pressure of planning a wedding, yet with commitment to one another. I agree the sex thing will likely only become more difficult as time goes on, but you are forgetting I am a VERY stubborn person, I don't want to have sex before marriage, and I made up my mind about that many, many years ago.

I really do love this boy. He is an incredibly perfect match.... I would even go so far as to say he is a God ordained match. We have always just clicked. Fit together. I know I could not have hand selected anyone on earth that would have been better- he is just amazing.
I love being with him. Joking... talking... laughing... it simply doesn't matter what we are doing, if he is there my life is better. I love to hear him laugh. To watch him play. To feel his arms wrapped around me. And I adore the thought of this being forever.

We were talking the other night, about where our strength is... about what makes us think this would last... what we would lean on in tough times. Our first answer, God. The second, Love for one another. And the Third, honest, constant communication. If we keep God as a priority in our lives, love one another passionately, completely, and communicate honestly, I feel that we will be strong enough to overcome any hardship.

And our weakness lies in doubt. Doubting God, and doubting each other.
We both have trust issues, we both have been hurt... if either of us allows the past to overwhelm the present, if we allow what others have done to us to affect our trust and love for each other, we will fail. plain and simple. But I feel, (pause for the easier said than done statement) that if we can do the first part, we will be able to last. forever. God willing.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love this man. With all of my heart. With everything that I am. I am committed to loving him for as long as my heart beats. I know that as we journey on, our love will continue to grow and change, as love always does, and that years down the road it will look much different, but I believe it will only be deeper, stronger, more fully rooted. As time passes I trust we will have our own struggles. Times will be difficult, and we will likely butt heads on many issues, but I respect him for who he is. I don't want him to change, I love him exactly as he is. And I am excited to face the challenges ahead with him. Side by side, hand in hand. There is no one else I would rather spend forever with.

Follow-up on previous posting...

2009-02-08T02:03:00.000-08:00

I semi blogged recently about this boy that I am quite fond of....
(fond of is a tremendous understatement by the way)
and by blogged I mean I posted just a title....
"So there is this boy... and I like him."
mostly because the title said it all
and simplicity is always best, right??

If you know me, you know that I don't date,
By choice.
And I haven't for many years.
Therefore this is a really big deal

He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me....
I never thought I would find someone that I would want to be with forever
until the first time we danced.
I knew then, in that moment,
Held in his arms
That there would never be anyone else I'd want to be with.

I adore him.
I cannot put into words how much I adore him...
I enjoy his company, his laughter, his personality.
There is no aspect of his personality that I have seen that I don't appreciate.
I cannot describe how right it feels to be with him...
how right it has felt from the very start.
I know that I could spend forever with him,
and I want to spend forever with him.
That doesn't scare me at all...
and that, my friends, is a first.

I've tried very hard to take things slow.
I do not want to rush this, I am not a hurry
I am praying that God will be a part of this,
That He will bless our relationship
and guide our decisions.
These last few months have been some of the best months of my life
and its because of this boy.
All I want to do is glorify God,
and make this boy happy.

We have only ever talked hypothetically
unofficially...
about someday.
but I am certain.
There is no hypothetical, unofficial, someday
doubt in my mind
My heart belongs to this boy
for as long as he wants it.
Forever and always.

There is a boy... And I like him :)

2008-12-26T02:37:00.000-08:00

Really?

2008-11-07T02:22:00.000-08:00

To say it mildly, I am disgusted with our choice for the next president. Not shocked. Not surprised. Just so very disappointed, and a bit sad... and I am certain that in 4 very short years I will not be the only one who feels this way.

Let me preface what I am about to say.
I have absolutely no problem with the president being of a different race
I have absolutely no problem with the president being a democratic candidate.
I have absolutely no problem with the president being young, or desiring "CHANGE"

I do however have a problem with this person's politics, with his track record, with his willingness and remarkable ability to evade answering questions, while fooling the listener into thinking he answered, and answered eloquently at that. And I have a problem with how quickly we fell for his fancy words. I almost feel as if all it took was someone who could deliver speeches.... We didn't hear the message, the substance of what he said, just the charisma...

He said all the right things, so why should we care if he believes a lick of what he says.
It doesn't matter that his time already spent in government has in no way reflected one iota of what he says he stands on.

My generation has been BEGGING for someone to empower them to take the reigns... to take control... to stand up to fight injustice, inequality, and the status quo. That desperate desire to hear from someone that the world can change, the world can be better, has been taken and twisted to thrust this inconsistent man into power. I only see a sham, a facade, an empty promise. And I feel it may potentially cripple those who were so passionate for change, bringing a wave of jaded disappointment, perhaps even apathy, to this passionate young generation that just wants what is just to prevail.

Sometimes it hurts to see how much we have forgotten about what it was about America that made it so great. That breaks my heart.

To think of what the founders would say if they saw us now, all the lives that were lost, all the blood shed fighting to attain freedom and self government, and all the lives that have been lost since then just trying to defend it.

Did we really choose a president that believes in MORE GOVERNMENT interference?
More taxes? It isn't bad enough, all these overrated government programs, that take our money and leave us empty handed... leave us with so little. It doesn't matter to me that it "will only be 5% of the population..." it is unfair to tax someone just because they have more. It is unfair to expect the few to tighten their belts, so that the other 95% of us can do nothing. Sacrifice nothing. It is in the strength of many that brings change. More taxes to fund more government programs.... and the track record there?
Welfare- a government run, tax funded program, has failed.
Social Security- a government run, tax funded program, has failed
Public School systems- a government run, tax funded program, has failed.
FEMA- a government run, tax funded program, has failed.
Must I go on???

And what does our new president want us to do?
Give the government more.
They have our retirement. They have our education. They have our safety, and even though they haven't proven themselves good stewards of these, let's give them our health. Where do I sign up? No thanks.

America has one of the strongest, longest lasting constitutions...
A constitution that puts the power of government in the hands of the people... By the people, for the people... a government set up with checks and balances, so that no one man or women can take away our freedoms...
and we voted for a president that feels this constitution, this lasting promise of freedom, promise of majority rule, is to him "fundamentally flawed?"

Not all change is good.

These past months I have heard this man compared to so many great people.
"He is our Martin Luther King Jr."
"He is our JFK"
"He is our messiah"
"He is our Hero"

He is just a man.
I am sad to see that so many have put their hopes and dreams on the shoulders of someone, without ever having any real reason to believe he can, or will, do what he says.

This disillusion is going to hurt.

I hope I am wrong... but I have a sickening feeling that I am not.
More coming...

Ragamuffin, anyone?

2008-10-31T02:05:00.000-07:00

"what makes authentic disciples is not visions, ecstasies, biblical mastery of chapter and verse, or spectacular success in the ministry, but rather a capacity for faithfulness, a willingness to return to the cross despite often fatal imperfections. Authentic disciples may have stumbled and frequently fallen, endured lapses and relapses, yet they keep coming back to Jesus."

Authenticity... what a beautiful word. What a beautiful, and yet startlingly painful concept. To be authentic... hand crafted.... a masterpiece, not a copycat. Not standard, stock, reproduced, replaceable, interchangeable, not just another ordinariness... but rather to be one of a kind, absolutely unique. To embrace everything that is not common... to be as you really are, complete in and of yourself. If only we embrace it. I so want to be authentic, always.

p.s. there's this boy... and I like him

hmmm.

2008-10-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

life is a crazy bundle of good and bad, ugly and beautiful, simple and oh so complicated.
or is that just me?
Things never turn out quite like I expect them to, plan them to, want them to.
It has been interesting these past few months to find myself again

Even though Nitro has only just begun... it is good. I think it will be good. I want it to be good.
Initially my strategy is to let the kids get to know me a little... the real me.
I think that is an important part of being able to connect with them...
I'm not flashy, and I can be a HUGE dork... but one thing I am not is fake...
I'm not a sugar coater, and I am not going to build up illusions and facades.
I think as long as they see that, I will be able to impact them.
I hope.
Another aspect of my strategy is to get to know them. The real them.
They won't believe I care if I am not willing to invest.

I think initially I got distracted with the planning/facilities/etc
overwhelmed with what had to be finished...
all the minor details that the kids will never notice
but I have quickly realized
that they won't notice because that isn't what they need.
Popcorn on the ceiling, the color of the walls, how neat the programming is
isn't what they worry about.
They need to be loved, cared for, supported, invested in.
I'm done pouring my time and energy into a facility...
I'd rather invest in my students.
I needed to learn that.
And though I am still going to finish the room,
and invest in the programs,
my students and leaders come first.

. sigh .

2008-10-05T00:04:00.000-07:00

though to my heart and spirit it feels as if it has been years, in reality it has been just barely a month. sitting here at the church at 3 am. an empty sanctuary. no lights, no noise, no one here but me. the room is primed. the ceiling is painted. we should have lights tomorrow. and I am exhausted.

This past month has been physically and emotionally painful.

I found myself on the verge of breakdown almost once a week... which is especially draining to a person who attempts to avoid emotion at any cost.

Taking on some of my recent projects has brought back many jaded, frustrated, disillusioned, abandoned feelings and emotions from APU.
something as small as painting the ceiling came ridiculously close to breaking me...

as did sitting in a room, on the verge of tears, listening as it was explained to me that, at least for now, I was just not someone two of my best friends could be around.
I am not sure how someone is supposed to respond to
"We love hanging out with you, but..."
"We love you, but..."
etc.
the but- I'm single. they aren't.

it hurts to feel so abandoned by people so close.... as if the entire support system I have attempted to build all just took a sabbatical at the exact same time.

anywho. its time for bed.

changes

2008-08-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

changes are in the works....
I guess I can talk a little about them now... since they have been "formally" announced and all.

I am so excited about Nitro 2.0
and at the very same moment, I am absolutely terrified.

I have been asked to take over the youth group at Seacoast Greensboro. I have loved being a part of this ministry since day one, and Nitro, formerly known as Shockwave, was what brought me here in the first place. The youth leaders at the time, Brett & Carrie, Luke, Ray & Tere, Scott & Michelle, were my first contacts. My first piece of family here in NC, and what made this dreadful place tolerable... compared to Southern California. They were like the shelter from the storm, and accepted who I was from the very beginning.

If it wasn't for student ministry, particularly Youth Group, I would never have stepped through the doors of a church. It changed my life, introduced me to Christ, and challenged me to accept and strive to carry the burden of a love I will never fully understand.

For a long time I have felt the nudging of the spirit, encouraging me to dive headlong into Student Ministry... and I have ignored it. Its scary... Its hard... and we had an amazing program in existence. I've done what I could to be faithful to the students, and participated consistently... but would never have pursued anything more. Our youth pastor rocked. And I am way under qualified for the position anyway...

Brett, our youth pastor, has done an incredible job with the students. There will be some big shoes to fill, and I don't think I ever can. I feel like Joshua must have felt in Moses' shoes, or like the disciples in Jesus'... completely inadequate... but willing to do anything God requires.
that is why my verse for now is from Joshua, "be strong, and of good courage, for I am with you."

I am afraid the kids won't want me.... won't come... won't like it. I'm afraid that I won't be able to give them what they need to learn about God, and grow closer to Him. I am far from perfect, and I hope they can forgive me for my shortcomings...

I will do everything I can to be to those kids what Brett and Carrie, Scott and Michelle, Cory, Tere, Sam, Mario & Sil were for me. A light, a hope, a friendly face at the foot of the cross.

Over the next few months for me there is going to be a lot of fasting, praying, reading, and planning going on... listening to the spirit for wisdom and guidance. I want God to make this ministry something incredible, even if he did choose a ragamuffin like me to lead it.

Guess its time to leap again in faith.... and even if the landing isn't graceful, and even if it hurts, how very worthwhile it is, and how ridiculously beautiful the fall, straight into the hands of God.

FREE FALL

2008-05-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

I feel that life for me, right now, is in a sort of exilerating free fall...

I have been standing at the edge of a cliff for so long...
for years now I have gazed longingly at the beauty of the life below...
breathless...
motionless...
speachlesss...
longing so desperately to be a part of it...
yet stuck...
in a complex mix of absolute awe and absolute terror.
I have watched as others have taken a flying leap...
falling, with faith, into the hands of life and time...
leaping toward the after...
I have been stuck.
stuck, because I was afraid.
afraid of the fall....
afraid of the bottom.
I this week,
I jumped
and I don't know how far down it is...
and I don't know where I will land,
but somehow, I know...
I will be okay...
I am in that part of the fall where all I feel is weightless...
full of life....
and hope...
I know it will be hard...
and I know at times I will want to give up...
I know there is no going back...
I know I will probably cry...
but, I also know, it will be okay.
it will be better than okay...
for the first time, in a long time,
I feel alive.
really alive.

Thoughts like mine...

2008-05-01T20:56:00.000-07:00

I'm on to a new book by Donald Miller.

Donald Miller long ago became one of my favorite authors, way back when I read his book Blue Like Jazz. It is actually safe to say I fell in love with him then. Not a romantic, obsessive love, but rather a sort of endearment toward a man that was willing to write a Christian book about his ongoing struggle with life and faith in such an honest manner. Though it sold in Christian bookstores, it wasn't an overly theological, super spiritual, scripture filled jargon, but more so a peek into his real mind, heart, and life. A few weeks ago I picked up a second book by him, Through Painted Deserts. Painted Deserts, though not nearly as popular, was just as good. It wasn't a "christian book" it was a book about a journey... a journey to discover what life is about.... a journey about why. Both books are written with a sort of cynical, sarcastic, dry humor that makes me laugh out loud. They say things I have said before, as if perhaps this author is inside my head, writing down my thoughts rather than his own. Eerie.

I think we share a similar faith.

Perhaps you are thinking, "So they are both Christians"

That isn't so much the faith I am referring to.

Like myself, he seems to struggle with a sort of discontent within the Christian Religion.

Like myself, he is a follower of Christ.

This discontent... this hollow emptiness that seems to exist within "the church"... neither of us feel that it belongs there... meaning that both of us think that most of the time the church seems to have it all wrong with all the best intentions.

Like myself, the Church often times has made him want to turn away from Christianity completely.

And like myself, he has always, almost magnetically been drawn to the cross, the crucifixion, the Christ, the beauty of what we know to be true.

I believe in the poetic reality of the bible and what it has to say about the love of God.

And now I am into his book Searching for God Knows What

and I'm sincerely enjoying it.

Lord Who Am I?

2008-04-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

Its weird for me to think that, during these sporadic moment of existence, of life, I can still feel so clueless.

I have been inside my own head my who life. I have known how I feel about things, my own likes and dislikes, my hopes, dreams, and letdowns. And yet, I sometimes feel I have no idea who I am. Or why I am that way.

If anyone in the world should know me, it should be me, right? So why do I always feel at such a loss?

I don't know where this confusion came from, or what ignites it within me. I just sometimes feel so lost within myself. Perhaps that is where the saying came from, that God knows your most intimate parts... perhaps he knows me beyond what I will ever know of myself.

new ride?

2008-04-25T11:49:00.001-07:00

kia, originally uploaded by for the moment.

I'm highly considering trading this.....

vespa

2008-04-25T11:48:00.001-07:00

vespa, originally uploaded by for the moment.

for this?

easter

2008-03-19T06:43:00.001-07:00

egg1, originally uploaded by for the moment.

I really like this picture... one of the best I got this weekend.

It felt good to break out the camera again... its a different type of catharsis...

irritated, hurt, confused

2008-03-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

blog number two of the day

irritated. hurt. confused.

that's all i can really think about right now. I am irritated. I am hurt. and I am confused. maybe frustrated too. I feel... worn down. Weak. About to break.

why does sex have so much power? open question to anyone who has an answer. Its like it controls people... changes them. Makes them do things they know they should not do, say things they don't really mean.

I am so tired of not getting respect. Am I not worthy of that? And I am tired of being afraid to say something about not getting respect because my saying something may get some one else in trouble. Why do I sometimes care more about what could happen to "them" than I do what IS happening to me?

I am tired of being so concious all the time... about having to worry about how many other people are in a room before I go in there too, being locked in offices, threatened, touched, I am tired of the things it does to me. The things it makes me remember... the things it makes me feel.

Can I not be friends with a guy and not have him say something dirty to me, or imply something, take the liberty to try and grab me or touch me or in another way invade my space?

Can I not date a guy and have him understand it is not okay to take me to empty parking lots late a night, and turn off the car? Or refuse to turn it back on? Or threaten to kill me? Or take advantage of me?

Can I not go to work and feel safe? Can I not drive home from work without being followed home? Patients saying things, co-workers trying to take off my clothes, or throw things down my shirt? or making lewd comments.

Can I not be stared at and followed around, even at church?

Is it my fault? I am pretty open. I'll talk about sex. I was raised to be that way... is that wrong? what do I do to make the constant assaults stop?

It just feels like its everywhere. Its every day. And it seems to come from almost everyone. And it hurts. And I'm tired. And I don't even know anymore who is safe, who I can trust. It just feels like to much.

What do you do? End a friendship? Get angry? Pretend it doesn't bother you? Tell a boss? Quit a job? Find a new church? Talk to the pastor? Cry? Hide? Run? I mean... when you are completely surrounded, what side do you defend? Would it matter anyway? Help.

insert bad word here

2008-03-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

I want to cry.
I have that weird feeling I get, where I know the inside of me,
my heart, my spirit, is crying.
inconsolably. no tears though.
sometimes I think the tears would be better than the feeling I have now.

I think I thought too much today.
I thought before church. and at church. and now.
the thoughts that keeps resounding:
it just doesn't stop.
why won't it stop?
I really can't deal with this much longer.
I'm not strong enough for this (curse word here).
please God, make it stop.

there's this theme in my life, and it haunts me.
follows me.
and I've tried for so long to determine if maybe I am the cause of it,
or if I just have really (curse word here) luck.
is it true for everyone, maybe, and it just bothers me more?
or affects me more?

how do you know who to trust?
or do you just trust and hope for the best?
how do you know who is safe,
or do you just have to find that out by luck?
how do you love yourself?
how do people experience emotions so quickly?
why do I think the way I do?
these are not retorical questions.
answers would help so much...
to feel someone cared, really cared about me, would help so much.

captivating. thoughts.

2008-02-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge.

So I thought I would talk about it.

I figure, if I have to formulate a thought about it, then I'll have to think about it.

I'll have to let it seep into my mind, my heart, my soul. Even if only a little.

some quotes from the book that hit home... as if they were taken from my journal.

"How can I be vulnerable without drowning myself in my sorrow?"
I have a sense of failing, "something deeper than just the sense of failing at what I do. It's an underlying, gut feeling of failing at who I am."
"I feel unseen, even by those who are closest to me. I feel unsought- that no one has the passion or courage to pursue me, to get past my messiness to find the woman deep inside"
"my heart is core to who I am. It is the source of my creativity, my courage, my convictions... it is the very essence of my existence."
"I want to be precious to someone."
"I long to be a part of something large and good; something that requires all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for."
"often I am not aware of what I am truly feeling."
"Fallen Eve refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe."
"Desolate women tend to hide our true selves, for we are certain that if others really knew us they wouldn't like us- and we can't risk that."
"Hiding women never speak up...we dismiss every compliment... we hide behind our humor, we hide with angry silences and pushing withdrawls. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe. We have tried in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid."
"I learned to hide my heart."
"I'm not worth loving. There must be something terribly wrong with me."
"there is nothing good about vulnerability."
"to be feminine is to draw unwanted intimacy to myself."
"I vowed that I would be tough, hard, like a rock."
"without even knowing I was doing it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention...to be invisible, to cause no waves."
"I felt somehow worthy of assault, I believed that I had brought it on myself."

now... I get to this chapter. The chapter is titled "Healing the Wound"

my first thought: yeah, right.

It talks about letting Jesus into the hurt and pain. It goes on to discuss why God allows us to experience loneliness and heartache (to draw us to Him, because nothing else will fill the gap.)

second thought: here comes the hokey christian preaching.

Next it discusses the fact that no one can do it with their self-imposed coping tactics. They talk about letting go of childhood vows established as a sort of self preservation, because they only hinder Gods healing.

I stopped here. I really tried to think of vows I remember making. and I wrote them down. In no way do I find this to be conclusive, but here is what I got:

I won't be "that girl," that crying, emotional, needy girl that no one really believes...the melodramatic basket case. People don't like that.
I will be what people like. I won't be loud or draw attention to myself.
I won't talk if I think they won't believe me.
I won't talk about pain. I have to be strong. I have to be the adult.
No one is safe. No one will stay. No one wants me.
Don't ask for help...they already don't want you, if you push too hard they'll get rid of you or leave. You have to do it yourself.
Never be an inconvienence. Stay out of the way.
I'm not worthy of loving.
I'm not beautiful.
I'll never find love.
The only reason I am here is for men to use. My body is the only value I possess. When that is destroyed, I will have nothing of value to give.
Don't cry. Don't break. Don't run. No one can know that they've hurt you.
Be invisible.
Be irreplaceable. Be the exception to every rule. If you aren't unique, you aren't special, and thus you aren't necessary.
I will only be desirable if I am tall and skinny.
Don't let anyone in or they will see right through you, see what a disaster you are.
I don't matter. What I say and what I want are not important.
Life is not fair, its not about me, so don't make a fuss when I am hurt or upset.
Leave first and you won't be left.
Don't rely on people. They will always let you down.
I deserve everything I have been through.
I can never be anything great.
My dreams don't matter. My needs don't matter. My life doesn't matter.
I'm damaged.

These are things I've told myself since I was a child, things I believe completely. You can't talk me out of thinking these things.... they lie in the very core of who I am.

Next this chapter talks about letting it out. Letting the tears come.

but.... there are no tears.

Are their supposed to be tears?

It says to allow myself to feel my pains, to grieve over them.

"Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered."

Maybe that is why there are no tears.

How can I validate the pain?

What is feeling?

How do you validate a wrong when you feel you deserved it?

Am I supposed to just change my mind?

Decide randomly that I was an innocent bystander in my own life?

that's really all I'm thinking about right now. more to come I'm sure.

little gifts of wonder

2008-02-06T05:41:00.001-08:00

DSC01043, originally uploaded by for the moment.

my favorite flower pic..i think

2008-02-06T05:35:00.001-08:00

my favorite flower pic..i think, originally uploaded by for the moment.

glimpes of life.

sigh

2008-02-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

I find lately it is hard to put me on paper. who I am, what I am experiencing.

one of the greatest escapes of my life has been my ability to, when there is no where else, turn to writing, and release or explain my thoughts and emotions.

paper is safe. it doesn't judge, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't argue. each stroke and letter stands as it is, an expression of me. plain and simple.

recently, I have been unable to do that.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I have accomplished in my life. there is so much more I wanted to have achieved at this point in my existence. I watch and listen as my friends marry, have children, graduate, travel the world, live out their dreams. And I am not doing that. I haven't been in a steady relationship ever. I am still two years from a degree, and that is if I continue on the path I was on previously. I am not financially able to travel the world.

I find myself lonely, even surrounded by a group of people. I find myself wanting to cry for no reason, or wanting to escape by myself. Memories of hurt fill my head, my past almost haunting me. I find myself more and more focusing on what I hate about myself... intentionally. Harshly criticizing my being.

Ironically though, I don't so much feel like a failure, not as much as I have in the past, not as much as I just feel stuck. I feel stuck in a normal 40 hour work week. Stuck in a typical Christian American Lifestyle. Stuck doing nothing. How do you unstick yourself? How do you escape? How do you break free? How do you loose the chains and fly?

I know I was created to fly. Everything within me tells me so. Its in each heart beat, each breath, each step. I want to fly. So why am I still on the ground?

I am tired of being critical of myself. I am tired of doubting myself. I am tired of holding back. I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of being tired. I am ready to try on my wings.

I am ready to love myself. I am ready to find love. I am ready to begin the next chapter of my life.

conflict

2008-02-01T22:36:00.000-08:00

its ironic. somewhere within my soul, I have the capacity to be two things at once.
I can be happy while I am sad. I can laugh while I cry. I can be independent and needy in the same breath.

there is this discontent that lives with in me. it never goes away, though it quiets sometimes.
I am not happy with my life. I want more. I want to demand more.

I am afraid of what more looks like, of what more will require of me. And if I can live up to it...
I am afraid to demand it.

I have been reading a lot lately.
I love reading. The most recent books on the list are I guess worth mentioning.
I just finished reading a book called Into The Wild, a narrative on Chris McCandless. He was a young man dissatisfied with life and society, so he left. He lived on the road, traveling and learning about people and society. Eventually, he made it to an abandoned bus in Alaska, and ended up dying there, alone. He lived on next to nothing, with a few supplies and books, holding true to his beliefs. I want to live that commited to what I belive.

I have been reading a devotional by Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit. I like it, though I think I would benefit from purchasing the companion book. The Devotional is a guided journal to scriptures. I tend to get stuck in ruts, and it addresses that. I've enjoyed the reading.

Finally, I am reading Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge. I have to admit, I have never desired to read this book....it just doesn't seem to be something I would be able to relate to...I'm not the girly "I want to be the perfect wife" person. I don't, and I know this may be wrong, but I DO NOT want to be the "proverbs 31" woman. My childhood was not filled with dreams of marriage and children, it was filled with dreams of adventure and change. I looked up to Martin Luther King Jr, Ghandi, and other "world changers" not Princesses or my mother. But I think I am getting something out of this book. Mainly, that a lot of the thoughts that I have, at least according to this book, are thoughts every woman has. I always feared I was crazy, and screwed up. And maybe, I'm just like all the other women.

Today I picked up 2 more books that I am excited to read. They are both by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. More to come on them.

a rant on theology

2007-10-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

I want to be closer to God than I am.
I wish I had the desire to pray all day, every day,
and the determination to cultivate it.
I wish that I had a deeper hunger for scripture,
a stronger yearning for the Holy Spirit....
because then at least I would feel like a good Christian.
The reality of my life is though,
that even more than those things,
I desire to be what and who I am.
I want to be the person Christ made me to be,
I don't ever want to loose my sense of self...
I am fighting to love myself,
not to be what I was never intended to be...
and I was not intended to be the type of Christian
Western and European culture have decided I should be.
I love God. Passionately.
I love Him for His sacrafice,
I love Him for His passion.
I want to live fully devoted to Him, and His example.
I owe Him everything.
But, He sees through the facade, so why bother?
Why pretend?
I've been chastised by Christians for my theology,
for my thoughts, opinions, and actions.
But, in reality...
I am just being who I really am.
I am a child God loves.
I think He loves my sarcasm- He gave it to me.
I think He loves my cynisim, my questioning of the status quo.
Because I am being honest, I am using the brain He gave me.
I think it hurts Him when I deny my true self, the self He created.
I want to be a lover
a healer
a bringer of joy, hope, and strength.
I don't want to be religious,
or Godly,
or manufactured by the church.
I could care less if people look at me and say, she's a Christian.
I refuse to pretend or lie anymore.
I spent 17 years away from God
3 pretending to be holy and close to HIm,
and am just recently learning to actually be close to Him...
to let go, and let God...
to worry less about being who people think I should be.
"The first and greatest command is this,
to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind....
and the second is like unto it, to love your neighbor as yourself."
If I am not able to love myself with my own imperfections...
Am I able to love the lost, "unsaved" children of the world
for who they are in all of their imperfection?
I want to look back and know that I lived.
I may break "rules" and "commands"
but did I LOVE?
Was I merciful?
Did I comfort the broken,
encourage the weak,
protect the unprotected?
If not, my life, in my eyes, was meaningless.
I'd rather "burn in hell" and love
than be self righteous in heaven.
I can only control my life now, in this moment...
I can't control my "afterlife."
My death, and where I spend eternity
matters so much less to me
than how I live.
and if I waste my days in the comforts of my house
interpreting scripture, worrying about what to say
and how that will affect my soul after death,
I will never be able to crack a joke with a stranger,
or hear the story of the man that lives under a bridge
or wipe the tears from the eyes of a muslim orphan in Iran.
The bible says not all who call His name shall enter the kingdom.
In seperating the sheep and the goats,
it seems that both those who were told to depart,
as well as those told to enter,
were caught off guard.
meaning to me, that though I have faith,
I must prove faithful to Christ's teachings.
He taught love.
Yes, he prayed.
Yes, he knew the scriptures.
Yes, he spent time in the presence of God.
But he also was authentic.
He made jokes. He was sarcastic.
He did things the "churched" people frowned upon.
often.
He broke traditional rules.
He focused on life, and on people.
He knew death would come soon enough.

it just doesn't seem to end

2007-10-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

I hate that even I can’t figure out how I feel.
I hate that it is so easy for me to freak out and run, or want to run, away….
to avoid my life,
to second guess my decisions,
to live in fear so many days with out good reason.
I hate that I cannot figure out how to love myself
How to love who I am
How to let others love me
I hate that I desire love, and reject it, in the same breath.
I am impossible.
I want to find love
Yet every chance I get, I find a reason, an excuse, to push it away.
The more you try to love me,
The more I feel the need to escape
I feel Closterphobic….
My biggest fear in life is to be seen as I am
It’s absurd
It’s also what I long for most.
I hinder friendships, relationships, and even God
Why do I fear such simple things?
I am afraid of help.
I am afraid of acknowledging that I need help
I am afraid of needing help
And I abhor accepting help
I am afraid of not having the power and strength to control my life
By myself.
I don’t want people to know I am broken
Or hurting
Or to know that I have been hurt or broken.
I really don’t want them to see me broken.
Because I don't want them to believe that they can break me.
There is no recovering from being seen as frail and vulnerable.
In my head, no matter what someone says,
Vulnerability is weakness
And weakness is opportunity for attack
Asking for help is showing vulnerability.
And though it's okay for others, it is not for me
I have been in a constant,
Progressively rising
State of anxiety.
I know that it is going to boil over
I just don’t know when.
My eating disorders are back.
The thoughts are stronger than ever...
They are so strong they are scaring me.
And the thoughts do not even sound like me.
I am not sure about this boy.
I know that I liked him,
But I don’t know if I like him.
I am at that fine line of being too close
And walking away before things get too close
Part of me wants to let him in
And the other part of me wants to run.
Thus far, he has done just about everything right
Minus a few poor word choices
He makes me laugh,
And I feel comfortable with him….
So why am I ready to let go and walk away?
I actually thought maybe we would pursue something
And I thought, "I should let him in…"
A little bit
On my past, so that if we did become that infamous “something,”
He wouldn’t have to deal with what I make most people close to me deal with,
The whole knowing me for years...
And then all of a sudden getting to know the real me,
The me with all of my junk.
Its like believing Santa is this kind, safe, loving being all your life
And then finding out he is actually your drunk of a father who beats you and your mom…
Its hard to change the perception, and transfer the love you have for the first
To the reality of the second.
I thought about calling friends who have been through similar things
That are now married,
And asking them how they dealt with sharing their pasts…
And especially talking to friends who have married people who have been through
Something like I have been through.
I thought a lot about how much to tell him
And who to ask for advice,
And then my car broke.
I was fine until my car broke.
The more I thought about it,
The more I began to panic.
I don’t want him to know where I live.
I don’t want him to pick me up
Or drop me off….
I like the independence of my car
And being able to have the control to get away
If I needed to
My anxiety level built and built
To the point of breaking,
I was shaking and nervous...panicing
So I called off our date.
I feel awful for it,
But I just couldn’t go through with it.
Part of me thinks I was strictly trying to maintain the resemblance of control
Saying no….just to prove to myself that I could say it.
But I knew it was what I needed to do, for my sanity.
I saw him tonight,
And I barely said hi.
Now I have to figure out how to explain to him
What is going on…
Which brings me closer to just wanting to tell him everything
Which is making me panic...
Hoping he’ll walk away.
There is so much I can point out
About why I shouldn’t be with him
Ranging from his lack of direction in life, to his immaturity, to his lack of faith….
To the fact that he reminds me of my father
But if I think about the heart of it
I feel like I am just shredding and tearing him apart,
So I can validate with others
That I was not running because I am scared
But because he just wasn’t the right guy for me.
The truth is
I am scared.
I am scared because right now,
I don’t have to be vulnerable with anyone
I can hide, and play it off with no one really noticing
If I were to be in a relationship, I would not have that luxury.
And I wouldn't say that he is the "one"
I definately wouldn't know that yet
but I'm sure he doesn't deserve this
I haven’t been close in an intimate way
(hugging, kissing, holding hands)
Since that night
That night was not by choice…
So much of me was taken away that night
And I am terrified about it happening again.
I am scared that I may draw the line, and he wont care
Or, even more,
That I will panic and not be able to draw the line at all.
So many nights the things I have been through
Just feel like a bad dream…a nightmare,
surreal.
And only when I feel like this,
With a racing heart,
Jumpy
Nervous,
Shaking
And trying to fold myself inside myself
until I have disappeared and am invisible
Do I trust my memories.

fickle old me

2007-09-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

so....I have been thinking about this for a while now....and I don't know what to do with myself.
I am torn and pulled in so many directions, and I seem to invest the majority of my time into the ones I care the least about....and leave much too little time to do the things I love.

I am a person that lives off of inspiration.
I am inspired by people who are openly, obviously, ridiculously passionate.
It makes me feel less alone to know that there are people out there in the world that have been consumed by a passion for life.

I bottle my passions.....hoping that someday I will be surrounded by a group of people that would understand them, fuel them, direct them into meaningful action.

I don't want to bottle them. I wish somedays, that I had no debt, no bills, no commitments. no obligations. because they ground me most days
when my passion builds and I am ready
to just go out and do and be
the things I want to be and do.
when I reach those moments that I don't care anymore
about feeling supported and valued and loved.
I don't like feeling tied down.
closterphobic.

I want to spend some time living on the streets. amongst the gangs, drug addicts, alcoholics, and mentally disabled. I want to talk to them, to listen to them....to hear once more about the amazing lives they've lived, and understand more about the Christ I serve, and how to serve him faithfully, trust him faithfully, when I have nothing.

I want to have a camera forever at my side.

I want to make a documentary about the life of street people, and the churches real response to a hurting world, not the response we like to belive the majority of us would have. Because I think, if we saw it, we would all hang our heads in shame, including me. Ashamed that the majority do nothing, and more ashamed when we see the rare love we are called to lived out actually being lived out, knowing that in all honesty, that is likely something we will never do.

I want to move to africa too.
I want to be loved
I want to change lives
and I want that desire to finally be put into actions.

curious

2007-09-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

I am not sure I know where to start this post.

life is a blur.
it happens so fast.
and then, its over.
and sometimes,
I forget to appreciate
the incredible moments in between.

a house of mirrors

2007-08-03T02:45:00.000-07:00

the beauty of this life....it takes my breath away.
there is so much potential in each moment
each interaction
each breath we take.

I don't think I have ever felt more peace about my future then I have in the last week....
this peace comes not from knowing what I want to do and be
but rather from knowing that I don't.

Sometimes,
a detour
takes you to a place you never would have been...
to come to find out it is a place you never want to leave.

I've always wanted to be a doctor of some sort. I don't anymore.
I've come to terms with the fact that I spent 2 years in college studying to become something I quite simply
don't want to be....
and those years are more a gain because of it.
The cirriculum did not defeat me...
I was just never nearly as passionate about it
as I was the people I was encountering
the lives I was touching
the stories I heard.
I was living out one final connection to my flesh....
holding tight to one final grip on the control I desire to have over my life.
I've let it go....
and I've found
it was never really something I wanted to begin with.

A few things have been in my thoughts and on my heart lately...

I think I will probably die early in life...and I am ok with that.
not because I want to, but because life is only one stage of existance, and we all have to leave it behind at some point.
Even if I don't, I want to live like I will.

I don't know that I will end up having children...
and that's ok too....
the world is full of hurting children....
they may be mine, or someone else's...but they all belong to God
and I can love on the ones who are already here.

I don't know that I will end up getting married....
I would like to...but I don't need to.
I know I have high standards, the highest of which is,
he has to be willing to live life with me...
each day, as if it is our last....
I don't want to be tied down
to a morgage, a car payment, an office job...
I want to be able to pick up and go when He speaks....
and that includes him,
and if he can't do that...then we aren't ment to be.

I want to live minimally...
I want only what I need....only what I can take with me.
seriously.
I have no need for fancy furnature or nice cars
fine china and plasma tv's
the things I know will be the toughest to part with, are my books.
outside of that....
I don't know

I don't know what I want to be....but I have some ideas of what God may be calling me to...
on the table...
a photographer/photo journalist....
a documentary film maker...
a counselor...
a youth pastor...
a full time missionary...
or something else I simply don't know yet.

I want to go back to school...and likely major in Global Studies with either a double or a minor in art....perhaps attend seminary...who knows.

I guess...

2007-07-07T23:55:00.000-07:00

it's been a while.
life lately...has been...strange.
I have been physically exhausted...
but more so than that I think I am emotionally exhausted.
I don't know really where that is coming from...
but I think the status quo is killing me.
I think mostly I am frustrated...with me.
I want to be more than I am.
I want to be more loving...
forgiving...
to be stronger...better.
I want to be more christ-like, and I want to be more me.
I have this overwhelming sense that all I have done lately is let people down.
I have let me down.
I feel like I am failing...at life...
and that sucks.
and I am miserable.
My smile is more of a mask...
but I don't know what's behind it.
I am tired of living this life...
my legs are restless...
my mind full of dreams...
my heart full of courage...
I feel I am standing at a cliff...
parachute in hand...
and all I want to do is drop the net
and leap for dear life
into the wonderful, glorious, unfathomable depths of my Father.
A free fall of faith.
And as I listen to the breeze
whirlpooling around me...
all I can hear is, not yet.
Not yet.
More prayer.
more scripture.
more time.
more preparing to do.

a jumbled mess

2007-05-22T12:42:00.001-07:00

hi. my name is...a jumbled mess.

I've been thinking a lot over the past few days,
and I really like the person I am becoming.
Not because I am perfect,
because I am becoming.

be·came, be·come, be·com·ing.
–verb
1. to come, to change, or to grow to be
2. to come into being
3. to be suitable or necessary

what a beautiful word.
A catipillar is only a catipillar until it becomes a butterfly.
A seed only a seed until it becomes a flower.
To be becoming something totally new,
transformed,
unexpected,
beautiful.

I like who I am becoming
because I am fun.
I laugh at my own dorkiness.
I am smart.
I am strong.
I am passionate.

This process of becoming leaves me amazed and completely in awe. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it feels as if nothing is even happening. But at the end of it, I will be made in the likeness of Christ. And it doesn't get much better than that.

I am trying to brush up on my french...and am so glad that I chose to learn it. I am going to get to use it a lot in my new job, and that means that I will become more fluent. That excites me. I am still semi-liking my new job. Yeah, it's third shift. Yeah, its in admissions. But I get to actually WORK in the ER. I get to get used to the pace, the people, and the protocol. It's almost surreal. I've always had this dream of being a doctor, but I could never imagine myself actually doing it. I have started to see it. Aside from that, hopefully, it will enable me to pay off ALL of my loans within a year. Get back in school. Move on in life.

Africa calls to me....its burns within my soul, quietly stirring, building.
I want to spend time there doing photo journalism and street photography.

inspired

2007-05-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

so much left unsaid...

in the midst of life, I sometimes loose me...
and one day, I randomly wake up and look into the mirror
and I see someone there, that my heart longs to get to know.

I'm a pretty neat person.
and that's ok.

i still want more. so much more.
i get so frustrated sometimes when I find myself surrounded
by people who don't think like me.
people who not only are satisfied with a 9-5 normal life,
but who crave it.
it's absurd...
not that I think that the world should think like me...but how could someone possibly look forward to a life where for 70 years you wake up and go through the motions of life, without ever really living it?
I want to wake up each morning to find a new adventure.
to see things through a different lens, a different scope, a different set of eyes.
I want to grow as a being just a little more each day
to be pierced over and over again by the stories of the children of this world.

I have big dreams my friend.
many I have yet to discover...
and I am ready to pursue them.

mother teresa said "we can do no great things, just small things with great love."
shane clairborne said "little acts of love can take over the world."
I say, lets get to it.

Dear Friend, it's been a while.

2007-03-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

It is interesting to be on this ride...so full of excitement and joy, fear and pain, hope, frustration, love, confusion...this plethra of emotion and feeling. Sometimes I wonder what metaphor was used in the pre-rollercoaster era to describe life, and I wonder if it was as accurate.
I like being challenged. I like being pushed out of what I think I know, into something so much more beautiful, complex, and exciting. I see such beauty in the complexities of life that it is difficult for me to understand complacency and comfort. Perhaps that is why I enjoy awkward moments....they are opportunities to be thrown out of your comfort zone into a deeper, more meaningful relationship.
I've been reading lately about "neo-christianity."
I don't like the christianity or religion I have encountered in my life. To be more accurate, prior to being a christian, I thought that christians were silly and uneducated. I saw so many of them accept anything "based on christianity" without ever questioning the validity of it...or even bothering to explore the depths or consequences of it's truth. In the first year of being a christian, I loved christianity, and I came close to becoming one of those christians that takes anything at face value because it was told to me by a christian, or it was from the bible. Then came disillusionment...and oh how grateful I am that it came. It was a difficult time, because I had questions...questions I felt I shouldn't ask. I had opinions, opinions I felt shouldn't be shared. I had doubts, doubts I felt should be smothered out.
In church, I heard promises that God would give life, and life more abundantly, and wondered why, if we were promised abundant life, I was surrounded with people who seemed so apathetic, sad, tired....dead. Their eyes reflected worry, fear, and defeat...numbness. So concerned with bills, with success, and numbers and the right way to worship. In their starched slackes and church hats...they looked bored and empty. To me, this was not abundant life.
I thought that maybe my theology was wrong. And maybe it is...but I just seemed to see so much more life in the people I met that lived on the streets...the people who had nothing, the people who had left the church in search of Christ, or in order to follow Him. They talked to me about forgiveness, love, grace, hope, and most of all pain...pain that reminded them to feel, that reminded them of life, that reminded them of blessings. They were not afraid to live, and they were excited to die. In their eyes the joy of Christ was obvious, and in their calloused, dirty hands, so was their suffering. Pierced, tattooed, scarred, with rainbow hair and rumpled clothes, they were living abundant life...a different kind of abundant. A kind of christianity that was filling...baised on taking care of God's true love, people.
This is the christianity I want....desire, crave. It is the kind I hope for...it is the kind I pray some day the church will find, embrace, embody.
It's not to say that the church is wrong, but as the author of my book wrote....the church has learned how to help people step out of the darkness of sin, and into the light of redemption and grace. Value the work that they do. But it is our job as a body to keep people from falling asleep in the comfort and warmth of that light...we need to be united as one, for there is still work to be done, and it can't be done alone.

cliches.

2007-01-18T12:35:00.000-08:00

I feel...lethargic.
I also feel...inspired.

I feel...confused.
I also feel...guided.

I feel...trapped.
I also feel...liberated.

it's interesting.

sometimes...I am so ready to just become that shoeless hippie that only cares about love and peace. If you know me...you know that is me. At the same time...I want to do more, be more.

In keeping with tradition

2006-12-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

the things I would like to remember from 2006
*my roommates
*steve
*my boys
*stealing my RA's lovesac because he left his door unlocked
*beauty and the beast on the lovesac spooning with my roommate
*roommate retreat hanging out at Pismo, pics on the beach, my roommate having gas the whole trip home
*meeting my Rockin' 5's and falling in love with them
*one on ones
*president's day weekend with kyle
*a long smelly week in mexico with a ton of amazing kids and absolutely no showers
*the youth florida trip
*meeting my nephew
*VBS with my little munchkins
*working in kid's church with some wicked sweet kids
*The Cabin trip with the youth group, talking and getting to know the quirks and uniqueness of our new junior highers and the leaders
*blue cheese and a coochie cloths
*visiting wendy in LA
*talking with ryan on cougar walk
*talking with chris on cougar walk
*spooning with my roommates when I went to visit
*talking with phil shahbaz
*seeing my alphies become alpha leaders
*experiencing the challenges and struggles of this life
*watching brett fulfill God's plan for his life, and encouraging others to do the same
*wayne
*talks with barbara at the hospital
*brett and carrie, and their amazing kids
*ray
*amazing hugs
*taking pictures at laguna beach
*good friends, good talks, good God

all in all, it's been a tough year, but one that has shown me yet more about grace, and strength, and love, and above all else, humility. Life's a trip, pack accordingly.

happy new year!

as time goes on

2006-12-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

things haven't changed much...
I really like my job at the hospital...I don't mind my job at the mall....I LOVE working with my church. I can see things in the children's department slowly infecting my life, and I don't mind it. I am really excited for grand opening.
I am hoping to take a CNA course next semester...it's another thing that will get me more experience, and show med schools that even though I wasn't a full time student this year, my interest in the field has only increased.
I really want my own place...I found some really sweet loft apartments downtown that I would love to have...but I know that I can't afford it right now, and I just have to keep telling myself that. I can't afford it.
other than that, not much to speak of.

so...

2006-10-29T05:53:00.000-08:00

oh heavens. I guess I can write about my week in cali now, lol.

the week itself was good, for the most part.I loved getting to hang out with my roommates, and do nothing. It's fun. They're fun. And incredible. I enjoyed getting to see a few people on campus, although I found myself often stuck in conversations where I was so busy talking to aquaintences, that I was unable to talk to my really good friends. That was hard.
and it was hard just to relive some of the painful moments of the summer. I think I was pretty open this summer about the fact that I wasn't doing well...I am doing about a thousand times better now, but in conversation after conversation, I was asked how my summer was. It was emotionally draining....seriously.
I loved loved loved visiting wendy in LA. Taking the bus down was kind of a pain, just because it took away so much "hang out" time...but it was fun and interesting, and so so worth it. I seriously love wendy, and it was interesting to see what she was experienceing in LA by going to class with her, and staying the night at her host family's house. I decided that if I were still going to APU, that I would do LA term.
My most meaningful moments I would have to say, consist of talking with Lisa Page on cougar walk while listening to the random jazz band playing there....talking with Ryan Lane, Lunch with Wayne, LA term, roommate times, and coffee with Chris. Another one is lunch with kyle but for different reasons.
I got to spend time with most of the incredible men in my life while I was there, Chris, Josh, Ryan, Steve. Man I love them. They give amazing hugs. I miss having my boys around.
But anyway...more then anything, I am glad to be back. And that is the first time I can say that, ever. So, I think that's progress.

it's late and my hands are freezing.

2006-10-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

but...in other news....for those of you who prefer pictures to words, I picture updated my blog on my trip to cali...kinda. otherwise...I'll write later.

campus beauty

2006-10-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

another campus picture. I have a lot of those, so I'll spare you.

twisted

2006-10-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

a picture from campus.

hindi meditation center

2006-10-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

as a part of my friends class, we visited a hindi self fulfillment meditation center and talked to a monk that lives there....this is a picture of the garden.

the view from a meditation garden.

2006-10-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

a bug's eye view.

2006-10-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

downtown-ish LA

2006-10-24T21:51:00.000-07:00

my roomie

2006-10-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

hanging out

2006-10-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

boyfriend picture

2006-10-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

this is steve, my little brother. he pretty much rocks, and he's my safe guy, that I am supposed to tell creepy guys I am dating so that they leave me alone. ps...he may transfer to App State! yay!

did I mention yet that I love these girls?

2006-10-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

reunion. my h6 girls.

2006-10-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

It's hard to imagine a more incredible group of girls.

becca. i freaking love her

2006-10-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite roomies...ever.

me and erica....

2006-10-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

you seriously won't meet more random people then us two together.

seriously, I love her.

2006-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

one of my best friends, wendy.

2006-10-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

the doomsday approach

2006-10-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

we found these tracks all over the ground in downtown LA. we collected them, and threw them away.

just random.

2006-10-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

megan and brianne...amazing women.

2006-10-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

ryan. my big brother. my friend.

2006-10-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

my ac group.

2006-10-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

me and kyle

2006-10-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

kyle shaved his head. it was kind of scary, lol.

an update?

2006-10-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

sooo tired.
seriously.
socially exhausted.
two more days, then back to life as usual.
I'll dialog monday night.
maybe.
love love love.
NC- I miss you!

Cali so far...

2006-10-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

whelp, I'm in cali.
the flying, sucked.
I really love flying most of the time, but there were a lot of delays, and I ended up spending over 13 hours in either an airplane or an airport. no fun.
but the first flight was beautiful....and I really enjoyed it.
so today is a low key day, which I love.
the whole reason I decided to come out here is because I missed my roommates, and what it feels like to have the whole setting. Well, because I came during the week, I knew that my roomies would have tons of stuff to do, work, homework, etc. and so they have been in and out all day. But I love that it feels like I never left.
I love that feeling.
I have gotten to cuddle with three of my roomies so far (I'm big on cuddling).
It's been a good day, and I love it.
oh...and I'm watching gilmore girls.
It pretty much doesn't get any better than this.
love love love!

so excited

2006-10-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

um.....I am really excited.
11 days.....and counting.

release. sort of.

2006-09-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

things have gotten better, at least for now.
two things happened-
God touched me.
I reached out....kinda.

I have spent the last...I dunno....couple of weeks studing Lamentations 3. I found it "randomly" one night when I opened my bible. "Randomly" being, that was the place my bookmark was at. I read it....and it hit me....the first half depicts exactly how I felt. exactly. I felt led to memorize (meditate) on this book. I study my bible every night...but I have never spent so long in one chapter of one book. Slowly I add on one verse at a time....and it has dramatically affected me.

The other thing....I got real. Kind of. It's complicated to be myself here....all of me...for so many reasons. And I am not created to be something else...and since I have been home, it has been tormenting me, trying to figure out the best solution to this problem. And I remembered something that I heard once....to win a marathon, you have to take the first step. So I "told" one. Kind of two...but the second was indirectly....and it was someone I think I assumed knew already. But just having one person know....it makes all the difference in the world. It's a long process....and it will likely never end....but I've taken the first few steps. Sometimes that's all you can do.

"because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. For the Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one that seeks him" Lamentations 3.

oh sweet irony

2006-09-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

would you believe that my #1 love language is physical touch?
crazy huh.

an amazing god

2006-09-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

looking back on it....
there is something i need to say,
that maybe i have neglected to say here in a while.
god is amazing.
like, really amazing.
in experiencing every sort of trial,
he is there....
i have never loved anyone more.
i find myself more and more simply falling to my knees before him.
i've run out of words...and just sit there....
awestruck....humbled....encouraged....inspired.
i don't understand him at all
but I do feel his love...
his presence...
his gentleness, kindness, and rebuke.
and i know...
i would live it all over again...
if I could be perfect I would...
but I know I would be willing
to be broken a thousand times over....
just to feel the way I feel when he is near.
life isn't worth it-
but he is.
in every way.

Please Take With a Grain of Salt

2006-09-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

today was a long day.
a very, VERY long day.
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I tried.
for 8 and a half hours.
it didn't work.
I couldn't sleep because I was thinking. I am always thinking. I was thinking about where I am supposed to be...what I am supposed to do...where I am supposed to work...what goals I should set for myself...what I want out of life...and how it is all supposed to happen.
And if it isn't thinking...it is nightmares.
I have nightmares pretty regularly...and they have a tendency to keep me awake.

Have I mentioned yet that I feel like a failure?
maybe, just maybe...that's because I am.
minus the maybes.
How did I fail....let's see:

I have failed myself. one of the only things I ever really wanted was to go to ONE school...and graduate in four years. I am being forced to drop out because I can't afford it.
I have somehow screwed things up with my sister so bad, that she doesn't really even talk to me. Don't get me wrong, she "tolerates" me...but she hates me being here, and she's said it. All of the plans that I make keep falling through.
I keep messing up relationships- I either lean too hard, or not at all.
I am depressed, and have been for several months.
I have let so many people down.

I have failed my family.
my father hates the job I have...
And he hates that I don't have another one.
he hates me being here when he gets home at night.
Honestly. I could have been busy all day, worked, come home, cleaned the house, made dinner, it doesn't matter...If I am here between the hours of 5-8pm...I am a screw up.
And he says it.
He hates the fact that I am not in school...only he thinks I am choosing to drop out.
He thinks, despite the fact that I have explained the situation to him repeatedly, about the fact that I have been in a sense Blacklisted from all forms of higher education until my tuition is paid off, he thinks that not going to school is what I wanted. He thinks I haven't tried hard enough...and that anything I do for the church is a waste of time.
I am a failure to my sister. I don't necessarily know why...but everytime we talk she gets that look in her eye, that I have let her down, disappointed her.
Even though little I do directly affects her...just me being here, in this house, under the same roof...gets to her.
Going to the same church gets to her.
Me writing this, admitting that things aren't perfect, for anyone to see, gets to her. Me knowing that it bothers her, and writing it anyway, will get to her.

I am a failure to my church.
I haven't helped out enough.
I don't serve enough...I haven't given enough to them.
they deserve so much more.
I am a failure to the youth.
I don't pour into you guys enough.
I don't talk much...I don't challenge you enough.
I don't give brett enough help...
I am not good at speaking and teaching you guys.

I am a failure to my friends.
to my friends in cali...I bailed on my roommates. I mean, I told them....but I still bailed on them.
I didn't tell but like 2 or 3 people that I wasn't coming back. Second semester, I hardly invested in them at all because I was so upset all the time, that I just didn't have the energy to invest in anyone that wasn't a roommate, a super close friend, or one of my freshmen.
I don't always answer when you call, or call you back- because when I hear your voice, it makes me want to cry...and I don't like it when I cry.
to my friends here...I don't treat you with...well....I guess the respect that you desire.
I don't "open up" or want to talk a lot of the time.
Or ever.
I am difficult...and probably a little unpredictable.
I have let Brett, and Carrie down...and I know it....and I hate it.
I don't really give you guys a chance to love me...because I don't know how.
And I think it might hurt you...me being the way that I am...and that is a failure on my part to love you.
I fail to serve you enough...to support you enough.

I am a failure to God.
I am nowhere near a good servant to him.
I take him forgranted.
I take his blessings forgranted.
I am impatient, ungrateful, and so far from righteousness its not even funny.
I don't listen hard enough or long enough...I don't read the bible, or share him with others enough.
I don't trust him enough...I don't live for him the way I should. I don't pray enough. I don't worship him with everything...I don't leave things in his hands.
I don't always stick to my word.
I sin. A lot. The more I try...the worse I am.

So what is the point of all of that?
confession maybe.
admission.
a peek into my head right now.

Today was a long day...like I Said.
I am depressed.
Not in the "oh I wish I was dead" way
but in the way of being tired of letting people down...of messing things up...of causing pain, anger, hurt, frustration...to the people I love most.
Tired of feeling like people think I don't know how badly I have messed up.
Tired of missing everyone if cali so much...and because I miss them, taking forgranted that things, friendships, and love I am sure I have right here but can's see.
Tired of having a broken heart.
But something else made today a long day.
People asking me what was wrong.
Have you ever just not felt like talking, and therefore everyone in the world asks you questions? And not only that, but is upset when you don't answer them?
I mean...I know it is an act of love.
I appreciate it...I do.
But it also frustrated me in a sense...because I felt, and still feel...like I haven't really hidden much.
I came home and read through my blogs from may until now...and it's all right there....most of the things that are hurting and bothering me...written down...recorded.
I mean...I know most of the people this is about don't read this...and don't even have time to read this...but if you don't have time to read this...you definately don't have an hour to spare consoling me.
And the other thing...
Approaching me in large public places.
I am not going to talk to you with 15 other people around...
or ten minutes before service starts...
or while walking through the parking lot to your car.
I am not going to talk to you when I just heard you say you were headed somewhere,
or if its family night,
or if I know you have other things to do.
I want to talk to people and let them in....
but seriously....
If I am already hard to get information out of....
the environment and timing have to be particularly right.

Ray- To you I am particularly sorry. I didn't want to upset you.
Carrie- I am sorry. you know that I love you.
Brett- lol. another day of seeing you for a few minutes at church...but thanks...you didn't push me today...and whether that was because you were busy, or could tell...either way...I appreciate it.
Cory-I'm sorry to you too.

I don't know if any of you will ever read this...it's really quite irrelevant...but now at least, you kind of know what is going on.