Dear world-
Please do not be offended that I haven't come out to spend time in a while.
Its not anything personal. I promise.
I know it seems like I have fallen off the face of the earth,
disappeared into some sort of abyss,
and, in many ways, you are right.
I have in many ways tried to take myself out of the picture.
It is not because married life has swooped me into an "I only want to hang out with my husband" whirlwind
where all I do is stay connected at the hip to my husband,
and I know it seems like every free second I get I want to spend at home, with my husband... (that is correct),
It is because I never see him.
Strange, huh, how I saw my husband more when we lived 25 miles apart? We spend much more quality time together, ate more meals together,
before we were married.
Oh the corrections I have tried to make to be able to see him more,
and each time I alter my schedule, it works out that I see him less.
Don't get me wrong, we are home together some times.
However, my definition of quality time is time spent together, where we a both awake, in the same room, at the same time.
So, no, it is not the husband that keeps me away.
Work plays a big part in my disappearingness-
for some reason (I blame a stroke), I decided that life for me would be easier working 5 night shifts a week and going to Nursing School, then it was when I was working 3 DAYS a week, and going to Nursing School.
Like I said, I must have had a stroke. I should have been commited to a mental health institution.
My rationale?
1. I wanted my weekends back to be able to spend more time with family and with God, I missed church SO much.
2. My husband was going to start working night shift, and I didn't want to be home alone every night.
3. I had Thursday Clinic, and worked Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and my clinic homework was due Monday morning, and my tests were on Mondays, so it would be better to have the weekend to study and do homework.
God, however, played a little trick on me.
1. Because of my class schedule, I have to work Monday thru Friday, so I get off work on Saturday morning at 7:30am, so I end up exhausted, or wasting my first day off asleep.
2. I thought I would get to see my husband more if we were both on the same shift, but he gets up 3-5 hours before I do, and leaves for work before I wake up. I have morning classes, so he is usually asleep when I get home if he worked the night before. His standard schedule, unless he picks up extra, is 3 days a week, if he is off, I am sleeping alone.
3. This semester, my clinical was moved to Mondays, and all of my clinic work is due on Thursdays, and our tests are on thursdays or fridays. Therefore, I don't get to use my weekend to do homework or study for my test the next day.
oh the best laid plans.
World, work and my husband take up a lot of my time, but school, school wipes me out.
And I don't even get to give my school work the quality time I wish I could. I am just worn out.
I miss the days when I had the energy to keep my house clean, and cook, and hang out with people
I miss the days I was able to invest in my favorite things to do-
I miss hiking.
I miss photography.
I miss painting, and poetry
roadtrips and sitting outside in the sun just soaking up the warmth
and, I miss sleep.
I am just barely treading water to stay afloat right now.
I have decided to start cutting back my hours at work,
because I feel like such a failure in so many areas of my life.
I cannot balance work, school, youth ministry, married life, friendships, etc.
I have tried, and I feel like a failure.
If it werent for my husband,
My house= a mess
My yard= a weeded jungle
My laundry= a dirty mess
My puppies= starving in a crate
I am so blessed because I have a husband who is handling so much, picking up the slack for me, stepping in where I can't.
Praying that the end is near. I have decided to change my schedule yet again, taking a scary leap of faith- and trusting God along the way.
So world- if you feel neglected, I am sorry. I will touch base with you around May 2013
don't be mad if I don't return your phone calls or texts
if I cant make meetings or groups
If I don't spend hours hanging out with you,
its nothing personal- I care about you,
I just have learned to say no-
to not agree to every commitment, attend every meeting, etc.
I miss you though.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Monday, June 27, 2011
Overwhelmed, by blessings
Is it possible to have too many good things going on in your life at once?
The past few weeks I have felt so stressed out,
so overwhelmed,
so scattered.
First we decided we were going to buy a house, and of course the house I loved, we didn't get.
So we put an offer in on another house, and they accepted it.
We are still in the process of closing, a process I had never realized was so extensive and painful, thousands of telephone calls back and forth with realtors, insurance agencies, lending companies (most of which my fiance has handled, thankfully!) appraisals, inspections, it'll all quite the hassle.
But, ultimately it is a good hassle.
Our closing date is set for July,
And it seems like everything, or just about everything in my life, will spiral after that.
All wonderful blessing that I am so very grateful for, but a little overwhelming non the less-
We are set to close on the house the third week of July
I will be moving mid-august,
I begin nursing school late august,
and we will be getting married the first week of September.
And, luckily, this crazy out of control spiral of changes isn't only happening for me, my fiance graduated nursing school in may, passed the NCLEX, was hired, and will be beginning his first job as a nurse the same week we close.
He will be moving out on his own for the first time,
and getting married, only a month later.
I am so happy for all of these changes, so grateful, so excited, and so absolutely terrified that I won't be able to handle it all. If you know me, you know I have this amazing ability to panic when my routines are messed up. I handle minor change all right, but too much yields a freak out. And I wonder how long it will take for me to feel like my feet are firmly planted again, and I can have a routine, and can know what to expect each passing day.
The past few weeks I have felt so stressed out,
so overwhelmed,
so scattered.
First we decided we were going to buy a house, and of course the house I loved, we didn't get.
So we put an offer in on another house, and they accepted it.
We are still in the process of closing, a process I had never realized was so extensive and painful, thousands of telephone calls back and forth with realtors, insurance agencies, lending companies (most of which my fiance has handled, thankfully!) appraisals, inspections, it'll all quite the hassle.
But, ultimately it is a good hassle.
Our closing date is set for July,
And it seems like everything, or just about everything in my life, will spiral after that.
All wonderful blessing that I am so very grateful for, but a little overwhelming non the less-
We are set to close on the house the third week of July
I will be moving mid-august,
I begin nursing school late august,
and we will be getting married the first week of September.
And, luckily, this crazy out of control spiral of changes isn't only happening for me, my fiance graduated nursing school in may, passed the NCLEX, was hired, and will be beginning his first job as a nurse the same week we close.
He will be moving out on his own for the first time,
and getting married, only a month later.
I am so happy for all of these changes, so grateful, so excited, and so absolutely terrified that I won't be able to handle it all. If you know me, you know I have this amazing ability to panic when my routines are messed up. I handle minor change all right, but too much yields a freak out. And I wonder how long it will take for me to feel like my feet are firmly planted again, and I can have a routine, and can know what to expect each passing day.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
fingers crossed
I am so excited to be thinking about buying our first house.
The thought for the past two years has petrified me, literally.
There was no way in my mind that we would ever be able to feasibly afford a home right off the bat.
But as the day approaches & we started looking at homes to rent
and the cost of apartments- it dawned on me.
For the price of what we wanted in a rental,
maybe we could afford a home.
We talked and decided maybe that would be best,
and idealogically I got on line this week,
and fell in love with the very first house I saw-
It was in the lower end of our price range,
& had so much character.
I thought, what can it hurt to go look at this house?
We'll look, and find something wrong,
some reason to dismiss it and keep on looking.
But we didn't....
So then I thought, well, we'll apply for a loan,
but we probably won't get it right off the bat,
or the interest rate will be horrible,
and we'll have to wait.
And that didn't happen either.
So we made an offer-
I don't know if the bank will accept our offer.
I don't know if the first house we saw will be the home we end up in,
and I am eager to know what the bank decides.
Either way, I think maybe,
at least for the moment,
I have moved beyond petrified,
and into a place of hope...
of possibility.
I am sure that petrified feeling will return,
and I know that the reality is that if we do get the house we have a lot of work to do
and if we don't get the house, it may take a while to find something else we like,
and that it may not all be as easy as the first steps have been-
but I am excited.
and exhausted.
and hoping tonight I will fall asleep without dreaming of wall colors and foliage,
tile, and how much it may cost to re-shingle the roof
or replace the boiler.
At the end of the day, its not in my hands, and I know who is really in control.
And shoot, if the end of the world is May 21st, I may never know, lol.
The thought for the past two years has petrified me, literally.
There was no way in my mind that we would ever be able to feasibly afford a home right off the bat.
But as the day approaches & we started looking at homes to rent
and the cost of apartments- it dawned on me.
For the price of what we wanted in a rental,
maybe we could afford a home.
We talked and decided maybe that would be best,
and idealogically I got on line this week,
and fell in love with the very first house I saw-
It was in the lower end of our price range,
& had so much character.
I thought, what can it hurt to go look at this house?
We'll look, and find something wrong,
some reason to dismiss it and keep on looking.
But we didn't....
So then I thought, well, we'll apply for a loan,
but we probably won't get it right off the bat,
or the interest rate will be horrible,
and we'll have to wait.
And that didn't happen either.
So we made an offer-
I don't know if the bank will accept our offer.
I don't know if the first house we saw will be the home we end up in,
and I am eager to know what the bank decides.
Either way, I think maybe,
at least for the moment,
I have moved beyond petrified,
and into a place of hope...
of possibility.
I am sure that petrified feeling will return,
and I know that the reality is that if we do get the house we have a lot of work to do
and if we don't get the house, it may take a while to find something else we like,
and that it may not all be as easy as the first steps have been-
but I am excited.
and exhausted.
and hoping tonight I will fall asleep without dreaming of wall colors and foliage,
tile, and how much it may cost to re-shingle the roof
or replace the boiler.
At the end of the day, its not in my hands, and I know who is really in control.
And shoot, if the end of the world is May 21st, I may never know, lol.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Just a sneak peak
Some of you keep asking me about what I have in mind for the wedding.
And though I have tried to describe and explain and pantomime,
I am still getting bewildered looks of "Really?!" or "I don't get it" or "Are you sure?"s
So I thought I would post a few pieces of inspiration, to get some of you
to get the feeling of what I am looking forward to, hopefully without ruining the "surprise"
ALL of these photos are stolen, some from My Sweet and Saucey (one of my fav websites) and many from the beautifully creative mind of Christie Brim McGuire. I do not take credit for any of these ideas, other than liking them. So I hope you enjoy!
old platters and suitcases & travel theme:
glass bottles and jars/mason jars of different shapes and sizes
vintage vintage vintage:
hope you enjoy! & if you see something you feel would add to the feel of our special day, jars, platters, etc that we could borrow, I would love it! & thanks Brim for so many beautiful ideas!
Monday, April 04, 2011
Who Told on Me?
Driving in the car today, I just started laughing hysterically when this song came on. Because I don't know who told on me, but someone called this artist, and described me to her. She in turn, wrote my theme song. Don't believe me, these are they lyrics:
THIS IS THE STUFFI lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use
I don't know who told on me, but I do know that she forgot the line about loosing my wallet. Everything else is pretty much covered. And I'll have a hard time getting frustrated next time it happens, because everyone knows.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Uh-oh!
Look who is finally planning a wedding, kinda.
lol.
Dress, check.
Location, check.
Caterer, check.
DJ, check.
Photographers, check. (Right? Probably need to get that check in the mail soon...).
Still trying to figure out save the dates & invites,
& rentals & flowers.
And the boy needs to start thinking about tuxedos & the honeymoon.
And rings.
And premarital counseling.
Hmm, guess I am not as on the ball as I thought.
oops, lol.
lol.
Dress, check.
Location, check.
Caterer, check.
DJ, check.
Photographers, check. (Right? Probably need to get that check in the mail soon...).
Still trying to figure out save the dates & invites,
& rentals & flowers.
And the boy needs to start thinking about tuxedos & the honeymoon.
And rings.
And premarital counseling.
Hmm, guess I am not as on the ball as I thought.
oops, lol.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Motions
sometimes, a song says it all.
This migh hurt, it's not safe
but I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life.
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
Take me all the way, take me all the way
Take me all the way, cause I don't wanna go through the motions
Take me all the way, I know i'm finally feeling something real
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
Take me all the way, take me all the way
Take me all the way, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go
take me all the way, through the motions
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
~Matthew West
This migh hurt, it's not safe
but I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life.
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
Take me all the way, take me all the way
Take me all the way, cause I don't wanna go through the motions
Take me all the way, I know i'm finally feeling something real
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?"
Take me all the way, take me all the way
Take me all the way, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go
take me all the way, through the motions
Take me all the way
I don't wanna go through the motions
~Matthew West
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)