a house of mirrors

the beauty of this life....it takes my breath away.
there is so much potential in each moment
each interaction
each breath we take.

I don't think I have ever felt more peace about my future then I have in the last week....
this peace comes not from knowing what I want to do and be
but rather from knowing that I don't.

Sometimes,
a detour
takes you to a place you never would have been...
to come to find out it is a place you never want to leave.

I've always wanted to be a doctor of some sort. I don't anymore.
I've come to terms with the fact that I spent 2 years in college studying to become something I quite simply
don't want to be....
and those years are more a gain because of it.
The cirriculum did not defeat me...
I was just never nearly as passionate about it
as I was the people I was encountering
the lives I was touching
the stories I heard.
I was living out one final connection to my flesh....
holding tight to one final grip on the control I desire to have over my life.
I've let it go....
and I've found
it was never really something I wanted to begin with.

A few things have been in my thoughts and on my heart lately...

I think I will probably die early in life...and I am ok with that.
not because I want to, but because life is only one stage of existance, and we all have to leave it behind at some point.
Even if I don't, I want to live like I will.

I don't know that I will end up having children...
and that's ok too....
the world is full of hurting children....
they may be mine, or someone else's...but they all belong to God
and I can love on the ones who are already here.

I don't know that I will end up getting married....
I would like to...but I don't need to.
I know I have high standards, the highest of which is,
he has to be willing to live life with me...
each day, as if it is our last....
I don't want to be tied down
to a morgage, a car payment, an office job...
I want to be able to pick up and go when He speaks....
and that includes him,
and if he can't do that...then we aren't ment to be.

I want to live minimally...
I want only what I need....only what I can take with me.
seriously.
I have no need for fancy furnature or nice cars
fine china and plasma tv's
the things I know will be the toughest to part with, are my books.
outside of that....
I don't know

I don't know what I want to be....but I have some ideas of what God may be calling me to...
on the table...
a photographer/photo journalist....
a documentary film maker...
a counselor...
a youth pastor...
a full time missionary...
or something else I simply don't know yet.

I want to go back to school...and likely major in Global Studies with either a double or a minor in art....perhaps attend seminary...who knows.