. sigh .

though to my heart and spirit it feels as if it has been years, in reality it has been just barely a month. sitting here at the church at 3 am. an empty sanctuary. no lights, no noise, no one here but me. the room is primed. the ceiling is painted. we should have lights tomorrow. and I am exhausted.

This past month has been physically and emotionally painful.

I found myself on the verge of breakdown almost once a week... which is especially draining to a person who attempts to avoid emotion at any cost.

Taking on some of my recent projects has brought back many jaded, frustrated, disillusioned, abandoned feelings and emotions from APU.
something as small as painting the ceiling came ridiculously close to breaking me...

as did sitting in a room, on the verge of tears, listening as it was explained to me that, at least for now, I was just not someone two of my best friends could be around.
I am not sure how someone is supposed to respond to
"We love hanging out with you, but..."
"We love you, but..."
etc.
the but- I'm single. they aren't.

it hurts to feel so abandoned by people so close.... as if the entire support system I have attempted to build all just took a sabbatical at the exact same time.

anywho. its time for bed.