Head in the clouds

I was thinking today, about Devon.
About how much I look forward to spending my time here on earth with him.
We've been talking about colors, and flowers, locations and bridesmaids.
Reception food, music, and photographers.
About where we'll live.

I enjoy thinking about that stuff,
but that isn't really what I look forward to.
I am not looking for a perfect wedding day,
a fancy dress and overpriced flowers.

I look forward to the next day.
Waking up to the man of my dreams, morning breath and all.

I look forward to the next week,
when it finally starts to sink in that we are married.

I look forward to the next month,
learning how to live together.
Chores and schedules and groceries.
To the stupid little arguments we are going to have,
about stupid things that don't matter.
And learning how to make up.
And about laughing at those arguments when we do.

I look forward to the next year,
when we finally feel like we've got it figured out.
And the year after that when we realize we don't.

I look forward to being able to see him every day
so much I get tired of him...
even though that seems completely impossible now.

I look forward to sunday mornings with him.
Sitting in church, growing together in God.

I look forward to having a family with him...
however that looks...
Spending my best and worst days with my best friend.

I look forward to kisses for nothing.
Falling asleep on the couch at 7pm like old farts.
And those looks that say, we are talking about that later.
Holidays with family. Superbowl parties. Camping trips.

I look forward to getting old, as long as its with him...
laughing as our bodies fall apart.

I look forward to our biggest struggle... the one that is going to blindside us.
I don't know what that is, but I know it will happen, and probably more than once.
The times that hurt so badly we don't know how we'll make it through.
Because I know we will, and I know we will be stronger and better for it.

The only day I don't look forward to is the day I will loose him.
Not to a failing relationship, but to death.
One day, one of us will be standing there,
looking at a stupid rock engraved with a name, and 2 dates.
Seperated by a dash that is to reflect the life that we had together.
It's bittersweet to know that even in absolute commitment, goodbye will come someday,
no matter how strong the love.
But I love him, and I am willing to fight for this day.

I don't want to have a wedding with him. I want a life.
I don't want to be married, I want to be married to him.
Don't get me wrong, I am excited for the wedding...
but the part I can't wait for comes next.
And means so much more.

I may be spending the next few days, or weeks, months, or years looking at dresses and colors and flowers, and stupid pillows that really serve no purpose....
but the days I look forward to the most, I can't plan for. They are the moments of life that kind of just happen, whether we want them to or not.
I really love him.