today sucked.

plain and simple.
I didn't want to experience it,
and yes it was as bad as I thought it would be.
actually, it was a little worse.
I am sure that being so worked up about it didn't help things...
it caused me to freak out and have an anxiety attack.
It's been a long time since I have felt so.... alone... vulnerable... terrified.
And the best part,
they found an abnormality and I get to go back in three weeks, and do it again.
I don't want to.

I'm scared, and in pain.... confused... stressed...
I almost cried.
I feel.... flawed? not good enough?

I'll have a while till the blood test results come back,
then an ultra sound and *hopefully* an outpatient procedure.
If the ultra sound shows that the procedure is going to be too complicated,
I may need surgery.
She couldn't tell from what she saw today.
It has the potential to be deadly if nothing is done...
and though rare,
the procedure could go wrong, could be deadly too.
I don't really know what to think...
I don't really even know how I am feeling.
I have kind of always felt like something was wrong,
because of things that happened in my past....
and I was avoiding this day because of that.
I was right.
Sometimes it sucks to be right.

I am so thankful for Devon.
I feel like a total jerk for calling him,
I tried my best to keep my tone calm and under control...
I didn't want to worry him,
but I promised I would call him to let him know I was okay....
pretty sure I failed at that too...
think I made him worry more when he heard my voice
than I would have if I would have just gone home.
He came by to check on me.
It was so incredible to see him tonight,
He seems to know when I need him to be there
with out me having to ask...

Its like he just knows that I need to be held in his arms.
And I did.
And he held me.
I feel so safe there, like nothing in the world could hurt me...
I feel so loved, so precious, I needed that today.
I needed to hear him say "I love you, and I'm here, always."
Its difficult to let myself be vulnerable with him...
it something I've never done with people before....
to let down the walls I've always been so good at building...
to let him in instead of shut him out.
it hurts to feel broken in front of him...
to let him see me weak and vulnerable.
but it is also one of the best feelings in the world.
Because I can't do it alone,
and there is no one I would rather do it with.
What an incredible gift he is.

I love him with everything I have.
everything I am.
I say that a lot.
because its true.