AHHH!

I feel like everything that surrounds me is a mirage, as if this world I live in is a play, a show, a front….and more and more, the charade is failing. I am beginning to see the strings, the false stage, the make up…and I am disgusted by it. I have never felt that this life was all an illusion, until now. I want nothing to do with it.
Beginning to see through the fog has caused me to examine myself, and where I am just putting up a front, as well as many areas of my own life.

To begin with, APU. I have loved this school since the day I set foot upon campus, but the longer I am here, the more I see, and the more I want to disassociate myself from it. Our school is so overpriced, over $21,000 a year for simple tuition, not including room, board, parking, books, etc. Where is this money going? The faculty is underpaid, the facilities falling apart, the equipment doesn’t work, and half of the buildings on our campus are portable temporary structures that have been here for years. So, where is our money going? I am tempted to believe it goes to chapel speakers….the chapel speakers we pay to come in here and tell us exactly what we want to hear, how wonderful we are. I am tired of it. I want to hear about what we, as a human race, as followers of Christ, need to know, the difficult things that the church is afraid to talk about. And, I hate our school motto, GOD FIRST. Mostly, I hate it because it is bull. This school does not put God First, and I don’t get why they are pretending like we do. Our school claims to have four corner stones, CHRIST, SCHOLARSHIP, COMMUNITY, and SERVICE…and yet, I have never seen all four of them in one place. I hear talk of Christ….I see selective scholarship, selective community, and forced service. Of course, this is not true in each situation, but it is true a majority of the time. It is true in my own life as well. It isn’t the faculties fault…the problem lies further up, with the administration. Everything in our school is hidden, our administration is unwilling to hear the voices of the student body or the faculty. They do only what they, and the people who donate money, want to see done.
Second, Christianity in general. Religion disgusts me. We can’t seem to figure out what following God really means, and I guess maybe we were never intended to. But, in our best attempts, we become merely judgemental, rulemaking Pharisees. I feel like Christianity has lost its goal….we focus on numbers, worship songs, and Sunday services…and in the midst of it, we forget our one main job, which is to love unconditionally, and allow that to be God’s saving grace. We need to do nothing more than to love EVERYONE without condition, and God will do the rest. That is living like Christ, right?

I am disgusted by this world I live in. I am disgusted by my self. I am disgusted by the fact that I am so capable of living in an empty shell to protect my heart from harm. No one knows the real me, except save Christ himself. Why? Because it is easier to hide than to expose. I am just a hypocrite, and I hate it. I don’t want to be. I want to live with freedom in who I am, and what has made me that way. I want the hardships, not the easy road. I want pure and lasting joy, not a pin up smile. And if I want change, it has to begin in me.