I cried.

well. almost.
i am reading a great book. a book i swore i would never read. a book i relate to (suprisingly enough) in so many ways.
i don't like reading books that get too much hype. mostly because it just seems like "the thing to do". but this one got me. it actually feels like some of the pages were taken from my own diary. the book is blue like jazz by donald miller.
i got this book yesterday. i have read 13 chapters already.
Chapters 1-12 were great. they encouraged me, inspired me, challenged me, comforted me. then i got to stupid chapter 13.
chapter 13 is the "romance" chapter. and its stupid. not because of anything to do with romance. the chapter is great. it actually made me laugh out loud. i enjoyed parts of it so much i wanted to read them to someone. that is when i got sad. there is no one to read them to. the chapter is about how we need community. and i have none.
so i put the book down, and as if god is playing a cruel joke on me or something, i look over and my computer's screensaver is up. the screensaver is on my picture slideshow, displaying all of the pictures of all of my close friends in california, as if mocking me, saying, look at all the people you love and miss but can't see, people you may never see again, hahahaha.
and the last picture i could tolerate was one of kyle....it made me incredibly lonely.
now, i miss kyle more than anyone else in california, for good reason. he is one of my best friends, and not only have i not gotten to see him all summer, i hardly got to see him all spring semester...and the one week we were supposed to have to hang out and catch up, he ends up in a different city. i was lucky i even got to say goodbye to him. and, he is doing an internship at a navajo reservation, so i haven't been able to talk to him either. and i miss him.
so, i have resorted to pathetic catharsis and narcissism. i put in the dvd from mexico 2005 and watched it on repeat twice. then i put in the alpha dvd, the one my ac group made....just because it has people talking in it. I figured if i couldn't talk to the people i love, i could at least hear their voices. i need human interaction! i am so lonely and homesick, i actually almost cried. stupid book!