hmm

hmm. and update?
well...life, as usual, is interesting....in a really non-interesting way. nothing much is going on in my life at the moment...kind of working and that is it. it's soo frustrating.
I strongly dislike myself right now...I have failed myself, my family, my friends in so many ways. I am super depressed. I hate being depressed. I am trying really hard to like it here...but I don't, and I hate myself for that too. I hate that I literally can not go to school this semester. It makes me feel like more of a failure than I have ever felt before in my life. I am leaving it in God's hands, and I know that all things are in God's time, and there is some reason for it...but I hate it...and knowing all of that doesn't change how I feel one bit.
I think I am really hurt by the whole ministry thing at my church right now...I don't know...I don't really feel welcome to be a part of it. I don't really feel welcome at church at all. Again...that has nothing to do with God. It's just how I feel. I love working with the youth...but I don't really feel welcome there, and I would really love to be involved with the missions team that is going on....but for some reason, I keep getting "left out." they schedule meetings and don't tell me...plan events and don't tell me. It's hard. Missions and youth are my two biggest passions, and I feel like I have to weasel my way into being involved at all. I hate feeling like that.
Really I feel like I have nothing going on in my life....like I am wasting each moment. I hate that, and it makes me feel like I am failing god too...but I don't really know what to do to fix it...Every time I try to get involved...I am told I have too much on my plate, or that what I am doing doesn't make enough money, or give enough hours, or something....like I am letting everyone else down too...or I get such supportive comments like "I am glad you're messing up, you don't seem to be trying hard enough, etc.".
So as of right now...I can't please myself, or anyone around me. I can't please God. So why am I even here?