fickle old me

so....I have been thinking about this for a while now....and I don't know what to do with myself.
I am torn and pulled in so many directions, and I seem to invest the majority of my time into the ones I care the least about....and leave much too little time to do the things I love.

I am a person that lives off of inspiration.
I am inspired by people who are openly, obviously, ridiculously passionate.
It makes me feel less alone to know that there are people out there in the world that have been consumed by a passion for life.

I bottle my passions.....hoping that someday I will be surrounded by a group of people that would understand them, fuel them, direct them into meaningful action.

I don't want to bottle them. I wish somedays, that I had no debt, no bills, no commitments. no obligations. because they ground me most days
when my passion builds and I am ready
to just go out and do and be
the things I want to be and do.
when I reach those moments that I don't care anymore
about feeling supported and valued and loved.
I don't like feeling tied down.
closterphobic.

I want to spend some time living on the streets. amongst the gangs, drug addicts, alcoholics, and mentally disabled. I want to talk to them, to listen to them....to hear once more about the amazing lives they've lived, and understand more about the Christ I serve, and how to serve him faithfully, trust him faithfully, when I have nothing.

I want to have a camera forever at my side.

I want to make a documentary about the life of street people, and the churches real response to a hurting world, not the response we like to belive the majority of us would have. Because I think, if we saw it, we would all hang our heads in shame, including me. Ashamed that the majority do nothing, and more ashamed when we see the rare love we are called to lived out actually being lived out, knowing that in all honesty, that is likely something we will never do.

I want to move to africa too.
I want to be loved
I want to change lives
and I want that desire to finally be put into actions.