it just doesn't seem to end

I hate that even I can’t figure out how I feel.
I hate that it is so easy for me to freak out and run, or want to run, away….
to avoid my life,
to second guess my decisions,
to live in fear so many days with out good reason.
I hate that I cannot figure out how to love myself
How to love who I am
How to let others love me
I hate that I desire love, and reject it, in the same breath.
I am impossible.
I want to find love
Yet every chance I get, I find a reason, an excuse, to push it away.
The more you try to love me,
The more I feel the need to escape
I feel Closterphobic….
My biggest fear in life is to be seen as I am
It’s absurd
It’s also what I long for most.
I hinder friendships, relationships, and even God
Why do I fear such simple things?
I am afraid of help.
I am afraid of acknowledging that I need help
I am afraid of needing help
And I abhor accepting help
I am afraid of not having the power and strength to control my life
By myself.
I don’t want people to know I am broken
Or hurting
Or to know that I have been hurt or broken.
I really don’t want them to see me broken.
Because I don't want them to believe that they can break me.
There is no recovering from being seen as frail and vulnerable.
In my head, no matter what someone says,
Vulnerability is weakness
And weakness is opportunity for attack
Asking for help is showing vulnerability.
And though it's okay for others, it is not for me
I have been in a constant,
Progressively rising
State of anxiety.
I know that it is going to boil over
I just don’t know when.
My eating disorders are back.
The thoughts are stronger than ever...
They are so strong they are scaring me.
And the thoughts do not even sound like me.
I am not sure about this boy.
I know that I liked him,
But I don’t know if I like him.
I am at that fine line of being too close
And walking away before things get too close
Part of me wants to let him in
And the other part of me wants to run.
Thus far, he has done just about everything right
Minus a few poor word choices
He makes me laugh,
And I feel comfortable with him….
So why am I ready to let go and walk away?
I actually thought maybe we would pursue something
And I thought, "I should let him in…"
A little bit
On my past, so that if we did become that infamous “something,”
He wouldn’t have to deal with what I make most people close to me deal with,
The whole knowing me for years...
And then all of a sudden getting to know the real me,
The me with all of my junk.
Its like believing Santa is this kind, safe, loving being all your life
And then finding out he is actually your drunk of a father who beats you and your mom…
Its hard to change the perception, and transfer the love you have for the first
To the reality of the second.
I thought about calling friends who have been through similar things
That are now married,
And asking them how they dealt with sharing their pasts…
And especially talking to friends who have married people who have been through
Something like I have been through.
I thought a lot about how much to tell him
And who to ask for advice,
And then my car broke.
I was fine until my car broke.
The more I thought about it,
The more I began to panic.
I don’t want him to know where I live.
I don’t want him to pick me up
Or drop me off….
I like the independence of my car
And being able to have the control to get away
If I needed to
My anxiety level built and built
To the point of breaking,
I was shaking and nervous...panicing
So I called off our date.
I feel awful for it,
But I just couldn’t go through with it.
Part of me thinks I was strictly trying to maintain the resemblance of control
Saying no….just to prove to myself that I could say it.
But I knew it was what I needed to do, for my sanity.
I saw him tonight,
And I barely said hi.
Now I have to figure out how to explain to him
What is going on…
Which brings me closer to just wanting to tell him everything
Which is making me panic...
Hoping he’ll walk away.
There is so much I can point out
About why I shouldn’t be with him
Ranging from his lack of direction in life, to his immaturity, to his lack of faith….
To the fact that he reminds me of my father
But if I think about the heart of it
I feel like I am just shredding and tearing him apart,
So I can validate with others
That I was not running because I am scared
But because he just wasn’t the right guy for me.
The truth is
I am scared.
I am scared because right now,
I don’t have to be vulnerable with anyone
I can hide, and play it off with no one really noticing
If I were to be in a relationship, I would not have that luxury.
And I wouldn't say that he is the "one"
I definately wouldn't know that yet
but I'm sure he doesn't deserve this
I haven’t been close in an intimate way
(hugging, kissing, holding hands)
Since that night
That night was not by choice…
So much of me was taken away that night
And I am terrified about it happening again.
I am scared that I may draw the line, and he wont care
Or, even more,
That I will panic and not be able to draw the line at all.
So many nights the things I have been through
Just feel like a bad dream…a nightmare,
surreal.
And only when I feel like this,
With a racing heart,
Jumpy
Nervous,
Shaking
And trying to fold myself inside myself
until I have disappeared and am invisible
Do I trust my memories.