captivating. thoughts.

I am currently reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. 

So I thought I would talk about it. 

I figure, if I have to formulate a thought about it, then I'll have to think about it. 

I'll have to let it seep into my mind, my heart, my soul. Even if only a little. 

some quotes from the book that hit home... as if they were taken from my journal.

• "How can I be vulnerable without drowning myself in my sorrow?"
  
• I have a sense of failing, "something deeper than just the sense of failing at what I do. It's an underlying, gut feeling of failing at who I am."
  
• "I feel unseen, even by those who are closest to me. I feel unsought- that no one has the passion or courage to pursue me, to get past my messiness to find the woman deep inside"
  
• "my heart is core to who I am. It is the source of my creativity, my courage, my convictions... it is the very essence of my existence." 
  
• "I want to be precious to someone."
  
• "I long to be a part of something large and good; something that requires all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for."
  
• "often I am not aware of what I am truly feeling."
  
• "Fallen Eve refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe."
  
• "Desolate women tend to hide our true selves, for we are certain that if others really knew us they wouldn't like us- and we can't risk that."
  
• "Hiding women never speak up...we dismiss every compliment... we hide behind our humor, we hide with angry silences and pushing withdrawls. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe.  We have tried in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid."
  
• "I learned to hide my heart."
  
• "I'm not worth loving. There must be something terribly wrong with me."
  
• "there is nothing good about vulnerability."
  
• "to be feminine is to draw unwanted intimacy to myself."
  
• "I vowed that I would be tough, hard, like a rock." 
  
• "without even knowing I was doing it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention...to be invisible, to cause no waves."
  
• "I felt somehow worthy of assault, I believed that I had brought it on myself." 

now... I get to this chapter. The chapter is titled "Healing the Wound"

my first thought: yeah, right. 

It talks about letting Jesus into the hurt and pain. It goes on to discuss why God allows us to experience loneliness and heartache (to draw us to Him, because nothing else will fill the gap.)

second thought: here comes the hokey christian preaching. 

Next it discusses the fact that no one can do it with their self-imposed coping tactics. They talk about letting go of childhood vows established as a sort of self preservation, because they only hinder Gods healing. 

I stopped here. I really tried to think of vows I remember making. and I wrote them down. In no way do I find this to be conclusive, but here is what I got:

• I won't be "that girl," that crying, emotional, needy girl that no one really believes...the melodramatic basket case. People don't like that. 
  
• I will be what people like. I won't be loud or draw attention to myself. 
  
• I won't talk if I think they won't believe me. 
  
• I won't talk about pain. I have to be strong. I have to be the adult.
• No one is safe. No one will stay. No one wants me. 
  
• Don't ask for help...they already don't want you, if you push too hard they'll get rid of you or leave. You have to do it yourself.
  
• Never be an inconvienence. Stay out of the way.
  
• I'm not worthy of loving.
  
• I'm not beautiful.
  
• I'll never find love. 
  
• The only reason I am here is for men to use. My body is the only value I possess. When that is destroyed, I will have nothing of value to give. 
  
• Don't cry. Don't break. Don't run. No one can know that they've hurt you. 
• Be invisible.
  
• Be irreplaceable. Be the exception to every rule. If you aren't unique, you aren't special, and thus you aren't necessary. 
  
• I will only be desirable if I am tall and skinny.
  
• Don't let anyone in or they will see right through you, see what a disaster you are. 
  
• I don't matter. What I say and what I want are not important. 
  
• Life is not fair, its not about me, so don't make a fuss when I am hurt or upset. 
  
• Leave first and you won't be left. 
  
• Don't rely on people. They will always let you down. 
  
• I deserve everything I have been through.
• I can never be anything great. 
  
• My dreams don't matter. My needs don't matter. My life doesn't matter. 
  
• I'm damaged. 
  

These are things I've told myself since I was a child, things I believe completely. You can't talk me out of thinking these things.... they lie in the very core of who I am. 

Next this chapter talks about letting it out. Letting the tears come. 

but.... there are no tears. 

Are their supposed to be tears? 

It says to allow myself to feel my pains, to grieve over them. 

"Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered."

Maybe that is why there are no tears. 

How can I validate the pain?

 What is feeling? 

How do you validate a wrong when you feel you deserved it? 

Am I supposed to just change my mind? 

Decide randomly that I was an innocent bystander in my own life?

that's really all I'm thinking about right now. more to come I'm sure.