insert bad word here

I want to cry.
I have that weird feeling I get, where I know the inside of me,
my heart, my spirit, is crying.
inconsolably. no tears though.
sometimes I think the tears would be better than the feeling I have now.

I think I thought too much today.
I thought before church. and at church. and now.
the thoughts that keeps resounding:
it just doesn't stop.
why won't it stop?
I really can't deal with this much longer.
I'm not strong enough for this (curse word here).
please God, make it stop.

there's this theme in my life, and it haunts me.
follows me.
and I've tried for so long to determine if maybe I am the cause of it,
or if I just have really (curse word here) luck.
is it true for everyone, maybe, and it just bothers me more?
or affects me more?

how do you know who to trust?
or do you just trust and hope for the best?
how do you know who is safe,
or do you just have to find that out by luck?
how do you love yourself?
how do people experience emotions so quickly?
why do I think the way I do?
these are not retorical questions.
answers would help so much...
to feel someone cared, really cared about me, would help so much.