one of the greatest escapes of my life has been my ability to, when there is no where else, turn to writing, and release or explain my thoughts and emotions.
paper is safe. it doesn't judge, it doesn't talk back, it doesn't argue. each stroke and letter stands as it is, an expression of me. plain and simple.
recently, I have been unable to do that.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I have accomplished in my life. there is so much more I wanted to have achieved at this point in my existence. I watch and listen as my friends marry, have children, graduate, travel the world, live out their dreams. And I am not doing that. I haven't been in a steady relationship ever. I am still two years from a degree, and that is if I continue on the path I was on previously. I am not financially able to travel the world.
I find myself lonely, even surrounded by a group of people. I find myself wanting to cry for no reason, or wanting to escape by myself. Memories of hurt fill my head, my past almost haunting me. I find myself more and more focusing on what I hate about myself... intentionally. Harshly criticizing my being.
Ironically though, I don't so much feel like a failure, not as much as I have in the past, not as much as I just feel stuck. I feel stuck in a normal 40 hour work week. Stuck in a typical Christian American Lifestyle. Stuck doing nothing. How do you unstick yourself? How do you escape? How do you break free? How do you loose the chains and fly?
I know I was created to fly. Everything within me tells me so. Its in each heart beat, each breath, each step. I want to fly. So why am I still on the ground?
I am tired of being critical of myself. I am tired of doubting myself. I am tired of holding back. I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of being tired. I am ready to try on my wings.
I am ready to love myself. I am ready to find love. I am ready to begin the next chapter of my life.
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