its ironic. somewhere within my soul, I have the capacity to be two things at once.
I can be happy while I am sad. I can laugh while I cry. I can be independent and needy in the same breath.
there is this discontent that lives with in me. it never goes away, though it quiets sometimes.
I am not happy with my life. I want more. I want to demand more.
I am afraid of what more looks like, of what more will require of me. And if I can live up to it...
I am afraid to demand it.
I have been reading a lot lately.
I love reading. The most recent books on the list are I guess worth mentioning.
I just finished reading a book called Into The Wild, a narrative on Chris McCandless. He was a young man dissatisfied with life and society, so he left. He lived on the road, traveling and learning about people and society. Eventually, he made it to an abandoned bus in Alaska, and ended up dying there, alone. He lived on next to nothing, with a few supplies and books, holding true to his beliefs. I want to live that commited to what I belive.
I have been reading a devotional by Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit. I like it, though I think I would benefit from purchasing the companion book. The Devotional is a guided journal to scriptures. I tend to get stuck in ruts, and it addresses that. I've enjoyed the reading.
Finally, I am reading Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge. I have to admit, I have never desired to read this book....it just doesn't seem to be something I would be able to relate to...I'm not the girly "I want to be the perfect wife" person. I don't, and I know this may be wrong, but I DO NOT want to be the "proverbs 31" woman. My childhood was not filled with dreams of marriage and children, it was filled with dreams of adventure and change. I looked up to Martin Luther King Jr, Ghandi, and other "world changers" not Princesses or my mother. But I think I am getting something out of this book. Mainly, that a lot of the thoughts that I have, at least according to this book, are thoughts every woman has. I always feared I was crazy, and screwed up. And maybe, I'm just like all the other women.
Today I picked up 2 more books that I am excited to read. They are both by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. More to come on them.
1 comment:
i love hearing what you are reading. books are so important. at any moment, when i need to hear another voice, be transported to another place, learn, grow, think, etc. i dive into one of the many books i brought with me. i love you susie.
i relate to conflict so much right now. all the time, i feel as if i am in so many places. which makes me never able to fully embrace the one place i am actually in. i don't know what to think of that. so i continue on and try harder. i am on the brink of discovering so many things. i am grateful to be where i am even if i sometimes dream about being somewhere else.
please continue to keep praying for me. and you are with me as well.
i love you.
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