irritated, hurt, confused

blog number two of the day

irritated. hurt. confused.

that's all i can really think about right now. I am irritated. I am hurt. and I am confused. maybe frustrated too. I feel... worn down. Weak. About to break.

why does sex have so much power? open question to anyone who has an answer. Its like it controls people... changes them. Makes them do things they know they should not do, say things they don't really mean.

I am so tired of not getting respect. Am I not worthy of that? And I am tired of being afraid to say something about not getting respect because my saying something may get some one else in trouble. Why do I sometimes care more about what could happen to "them" than I do what IS happening to me?

I am tired of being so concious all the time... about having to worry about how many other people are in a room before I go in there too, being locked in offices, threatened, touched, I am tired of the things it does to me. The things it makes me remember... the things it makes me feel.

Can I not be friends with a guy and not have him say something dirty to me, or imply something, take the liberty to try and grab me or touch me or in another way invade my space?

Can I not date a guy and have him understand it is not okay to take me to empty parking lots late a night, and turn off the car? Or refuse to turn it back on? Or threaten to kill me? Or take advantage of me?

Can I not go to work and feel safe? Can I not drive home from work without being followed home? Patients saying things, co-workers trying to take off my clothes, or throw things down my shirt? or making lewd comments.

Can I not be stared at and followed around, even at church?

Is it my fault? I am pretty open. I'll talk about sex. I was raised to be that way... is that wrong? what do I do to make the constant assaults stop?

It just feels like its everywhere. Its every day. And it seems to come from almost everyone. And it hurts. And I'm tired. And I don't even know anymore who is safe, who I can trust. It just feels like to much.

What do you do? End a friendship? Get angry? Pretend it doesn't bother you? Tell a boss? Quit a job? Find a new church? Talk to the pastor? Cry? Hide? Run? I mean... when you are completely surrounded, what side do you defend? Would it matter anyway? Help.