Saturday, March 31, 2012

Hi World, Its me, Susie...

Dear world-
Please do not be offended that I haven't come out to spend time in a while.
Its not anything personal. I promise.
I know it seems like I have fallen off the face of the earth,
disappeared into some sort of abyss,
and, in many ways, you are right.
I have in many ways tried to take myself out of the picture.
It is not because married life has swooped me into an "I only want to hang out with my husband" whirlwind
where all I do is stay connected at the hip to my husband,
and I know it seems like every free second I get I want to spend at home, with my husband... (that is correct),
It is because I never see him.
Strange, huh, how I saw my husband more when we lived 25 miles apart? We spend much more quality time together, ate more meals together,
before we were married.
Oh the corrections I have tried to make to be able to see him more,
and each time I alter my schedule, it works out that I see him less.
Don't get me wrong, we are home together some times.
However, my definition of quality time is time spent together, where we a both awake, in the same room, at the same time.
So, no, it is not the husband that keeps me away.
Work plays a big part in my disappearingness-
for some reason (I blame a stroke), I decided that life for me would be easier working 5 night shifts a week and going to Nursing School, then it was when I was working 3 DAYS a week, and going to Nursing School.
Like I said, I must have had a stroke. I should have been commited to a mental health institution.
My rationale?
1. I wanted my weekends back to be able to spend more time with family and with God, I missed church SO much.
2. My husband was going to start working night shift, and I didn't want to be home alone every night.
3. I had Thursday Clinic, and worked Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and my clinic homework was due Monday morning, and my tests were on Mondays, so it would be better to have the weekend to study and do homework.
God, however, played a little trick on me.
1. Because of my class schedule, I have to work Monday thru Friday, so I get off work on Saturday morning at 7:30am, so I end up exhausted, or wasting my first day off asleep.
2. I thought I would get to see my husband more if we were both on the same shift, but he gets up 3-5 hours before I do, and leaves for work before I wake up. I have morning classes, so he is usually asleep when I get home if he worked the night before. His standard schedule, unless he picks up extra, is 3 days a week, if he is off, I am sleeping alone.
3. This semester, my clinical was moved to Mondays, and all of my clinic work is due on Thursdays, and our tests are on thursdays or fridays. Therefore, I don't get to use my weekend to do homework or study for my test the next day.
oh the best laid plans.
World, work and my husband take up a lot of my time, but school, school wipes me out.
And I don't even get to give my school work the quality time I wish I could. I am just worn out.
I miss the days when I had the energy to keep my house clean, and cook, and hang out with people
I miss the days I was able to invest in my favorite things to do-
I miss hiking.
I miss photography.
I miss painting, and poetry
roadtrips and sitting outside in the sun just soaking up the warmth
and, I miss sleep.
I am just barely treading water to stay afloat right now.

I have decided to start cutting back my hours at work,
because I feel like such a failure in so many areas of my life.
I cannot balance work, school, youth ministry, married life, friendships, etc.
I have tried, and I feel like a failure.
If it werent for my husband,
My house= a mess
My yard= a weeded jungle
My laundry= a dirty mess
My puppies= starving in a crate
I am so blessed because I have a husband who is handling so much, picking up the slack for me, stepping in where I can't.
Praying that the end is near. I have decided to change my schedule yet again, taking a scary leap of faith- and trusting God along the way.
So world- if you feel neglected, I am sorry. I will touch base with you around May 2013
don't be mad if I don't return your phone calls or texts
if I cant make meetings or groups
If I don't spend hours hanging out with you,
its nothing personal- I care about you,
I just have learned to say no-
to not agree to every commitment, attend every meeting, etc.
I miss you though.

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