Verbal Vomit...

my mind is driving me crazy, and i can't turn it off. I wish sometimes that I could, but it seems the more I try to shut it down, the faster it runs. I hate that.
I gave myself a mini panic attack this week....which I unconsiously do sometimes. The thing that scared me the most, or perhaps made it worse...I didn't know who to call, who to talk to, where to go. I am selective in the people I turn to for help...in fact, I don't do it, ever. Over the past two years, I have been working on it, I even built up a group of people that I "lean" on, my supports...roomates, friends, mentors...I just never realized, until I needed someone, that none of those people are here. It scares me that I don't know who I would turn to if I needed somewhere to turn. That means, I wouldn't turn at all. And I didn't.
I think the hardest part of that is I know who I want to turn to. I know who would be there. But like one of my best friends, I don't exactly reach out to others for myself.
I don't volunteer information.
I am, once again, complicated.
If you ask how I am doing, and I am not doing well, I won't say that. I will say something like,"God is good and that's all that matters," which is true, and it is his goodness that I am leaning on at that point. Or I may say, "I'll be ok," meaning, I am not right now, but I know I will get there. The people that really know me look at me in the eyes and ask what's going on....and they don't drop it until I tell them either what is going on, or tell them I don't want to talk about it.
The people that don't know me well accept the answer and go on.
It's me, being difficult, as usual. But it also is me. I don't ask for help, mostly because I don't want to drain people, or add on to everything else they have to worry about. I don't want to be a burden. But also because I am stubborn, driven, and determined to be whole, complete, and self sufficient. Most of it comes from my childhood, its how I learned to survive. In fact, my double meaning answers are actually progress...before I would have smiled and said "fine" a blatant lie.
Another problem, is that most of my supports can tell just by looking at me if I am okay or not. I see them just about every day. And when I am not ok, my body language and behavior says it all. I stop talking. I don't joke around. I might stand a lot, in a doorway or corner with my back to the wall. I go for walks, or can be found outside by myself a lot. I don't see anyone out here everyday, because the living situations are just different. If I needed someone here...I couldn't just walk over there. I have to call, I have to say I need to talk, some of them would have to figure out babysitters and schedules. People here have families, lives, homes. And if we finally did meet...I would have to talk...I can't ask someone to rearrange their day, and then when the time comes, shut down like I sometimes do.
So, there you are. My verbal vomit for the day.