Please Take With a Grain of Salt

today was a long day.
a very, VERY long day.
I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I tried.
for 8 and a half hours.
it didn't work.
I couldn't sleep because I was thinking. I am always thinking. I was thinking about where I am supposed to be...what I am supposed to do...where I am supposed to work...what goals I should set for myself...what I want out of life...and how it is all supposed to happen.
And if it isn't thinking...it is nightmares.
I have nightmares pretty regularly...and they have a tendency to keep me awake.

Have I mentioned yet that I feel like a failure?
maybe, just maybe...that's because I am.
minus the maybes.
How did I fail....let's see:

I have failed myself. one of the only things I ever really wanted was to go to ONE school...and graduate in four years. I am being forced to drop out because I can't afford it.
I have somehow screwed things up with my sister so bad, that she doesn't really even talk to me. Don't get me wrong, she "tolerates" me...but she hates me being here, and she's said it. All of the plans that I make keep falling through.
I keep messing up relationships- I either lean too hard, or not at all.
I am depressed, and have been for several months.
I have let so many people down.

I have failed my family.
my father hates the job I have...
And he hates that I don't have another one.
he hates me being here when he gets home at night.
Honestly. I could have been busy all day, worked, come home, cleaned the house, made dinner, it doesn't matter...If I am here between the hours of 5-8pm...I am a screw up.
And he says it.
He hates the fact that I am not in school...only he thinks I am choosing to drop out.
He thinks, despite the fact that I have explained the situation to him repeatedly, about the fact that I have been in a sense Blacklisted from all forms of higher education until my tuition is paid off, he thinks that not going to school is what I wanted. He thinks I haven't tried hard enough...and that anything I do for the church is a waste of time.
I am a failure to my sister. I don't necessarily know why...but everytime we talk she gets that look in her eye, that I have let her down, disappointed her.
Even though little I do directly affects her...just me being here, in this house, under the same roof...gets to her.
Going to the same church gets to her.
Me writing this, admitting that things aren't perfect, for anyone to see, gets to her. Me knowing that it bothers her, and writing it anyway, will get to her.

I am a failure to my church.
I haven't helped out enough.
I don't serve enough...I haven't given enough to them.
they deserve so much more.
I am a failure to the youth.
I don't pour into you guys enough.
I don't talk much...I don't challenge you enough.
I don't give brett enough help...
I am not good at speaking and teaching you guys.

I am a failure to my friends.
to my friends in cali...I bailed on my roommates. I mean, I told them....but I still bailed on them.
I didn't tell but like 2 or 3 people that I wasn't coming back. Second semester, I hardly invested in them at all because I was so upset all the time, that I just didn't have the energy to invest in anyone that wasn't a roommate, a super close friend, or one of my freshmen.
I don't always answer when you call, or call you back- because when I hear your voice, it makes me want to cry...and I don't like it when I cry.
to my friends here...I don't treat you with...well....I guess the respect that you desire.
I don't "open up" or want to talk a lot of the time.
Or ever.
I am difficult...and probably a little unpredictable.
I have let Brett, and Carrie down...and I know it....and I hate it.
I don't really give you guys a chance to love me...because I don't know how.
And I think it might hurt you...me being the way that I am...and that is a failure on my part to love you.
I fail to serve you enough...to support you enough.

I am a failure to God.
I am nowhere near a good servant to him.
I take him forgranted.
I take his blessings forgranted.
I am impatient, ungrateful, and so far from righteousness its not even funny.
I don't listen hard enough or long enough...I don't read the bible, or share him with others enough.
I don't trust him enough...I don't live for him the way I should. I don't pray enough. I don't worship him with everything...I don't leave things in his hands.
I don't always stick to my word.
I sin. A lot. The more I try...the worse I am.

So what is the point of all of that?
confession maybe.
admission.
a peek into my head right now.

Today was a long day...like I Said.
I am depressed.
Not in the "oh I wish I was dead" way
but in the way of being tired of letting people down...of messing things up...of causing pain, anger, hurt, frustration...to the people I love most.
Tired of feeling like people think I don't know how badly I have messed up.
Tired of missing everyone if cali so much...and because I miss them, taking forgranted that things, friendships, and love I am sure I have right here but can's see.
Tired of having a broken heart.
But something else made today a long day.
People asking me what was wrong.
Have you ever just not felt like talking, and therefore everyone in the world asks you questions? And not only that, but is upset when you don't answer them?
I mean...I know it is an act of love.
I appreciate it...I do.
But it also frustrated me in a sense...because I felt, and still feel...like I haven't really hidden much.
I came home and read through my blogs from may until now...and it's all right there....most of the things that are hurting and bothering me...written down...recorded.
I mean...I know most of the people this is about don't read this...and don't even have time to read this...but if you don't have time to read this...you definately don't have an hour to spare consoling me.
And the other thing...
Approaching me in large public places.
I am not going to talk to you with 15 other people around...
or ten minutes before service starts...
or while walking through the parking lot to your car.
I am not going to talk to you when I just heard you say you were headed somewhere,
or if its family night,
or if I know you have other things to do.
I want to talk to people and let them in....
but seriously....
If I am already hard to get information out of....
the environment and timing have to be particularly right.

Ray- To you I am particularly sorry. I didn't want to upset you.
Carrie- I am sorry. you know that I love you.
Brett- lol. another day of seeing you for a few minutes at church...but thanks...you didn't push me today...and whether that was because you were busy, or could tell...either way...I appreciate it.
Cory-I'm sorry to you too.

I don't know if any of you will ever read this...it's really quite irrelevant...but now at least, you kind of know what is going on.