I guess...

it's been a while.
life lately...has been...strange.
I have been physically exhausted...
but more so than that I think I am emotionally exhausted.
I don't know really where that is coming from...
but I think the status quo is killing me.
I think mostly I am frustrated...with me.
I want to be more than I am.
I want to be more loving...
forgiving...
to be stronger...better.
I want to be more christ-like, and I want to be more me.
I have this overwhelming sense that all I have done lately is let people down.
I have let me down.
I feel like I am failing...at life...
and that sucks.
and I am miserable.
My smile is more of a mask...
but I don't know what's behind it.
I am tired of living this life...
my legs are restless...
my mind full of dreams...
my heart full of courage...
I feel I am standing at a cliff...
parachute in hand...
and all I want to do is drop the net
and leap for dear life
into the wonderful, glorious, unfathomable depths of my Father.
A free fall of faith.
And as I listen to the breeze
whirlpooling around me...
all I can hear is, not yet.
Not yet.
More prayer.
more scripture.
more time.
more preparing to do.