a rant on theology

I want to be closer to God than I am.
I wish I had the desire to pray all day, every day,
and the determination to cultivate it.
I wish that I had a deeper hunger for scripture,
a stronger yearning for the Holy Spirit....
because then at least I would feel like a good Christian.
The reality of my life is though,
that even more than those things,
I desire to be what and who I am.
I want to be the person Christ made me to be,
I don't ever want to loose my sense of self...
I am fighting to love myself,
not to be what I was never intended to be...
and I was not intended to be the type of Christian
Western and European culture have decided I should be.
I love God. Passionately.
I love Him for His sacrafice,
I love Him for His passion.
I want to live fully devoted to Him, and His example.
I owe Him everything.
But, He sees through the facade, so why bother?
Why pretend?
I've been chastised by Christians for my theology,
for my thoughts, opinions, and actions.
But, in reality...
I am just being who I really am.
I am a child God loves.
I think He loves my sarcasm- He gave it to me.
I think He loves my cynisim, my questioning of the status quo.
Because I am being honest, I am using the brain He gave me.
I think it hurts Him when I deny my true self, the self He created.
I want to be a lover
a healer
a bringer of joy, hope, and strength.
I don't want to be religious,
or Godly,
or manufactured by the church.
I could care less if people look at me and say, she's a Christian.
I refuse to pretend or lie anymore.
I spent 17 years away from God
3 pretending to be holy and close to HIm,
and am just recently learning to actually be close to Him...
to let go, and let God...
to worry less about being who people think I should be.
"The first and greatest command is this,
to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind....
and the second is like unto it, to love your neighbor as yourself."
If I am not able to love myself with my own imperfections...
Am I able to love the lost, "unsaved" children of the world
for who they are in all of their imperfection?
I want to look back and know that I lived.
I may break "rules" and "commands"
but did I LOVE?
Was I merciful?
Did I comfort the broken,
encourage the weak,
protect the unprotected?
If not, my life, in my eyes, was meaningless.
I'd rather "burn in hell" and love
than be self righteous in heaven.
I can only control my life now, in this moment...
I can't control my "afterlife."
My death, and where I spend eternity
matters so much less to me
than how I live.
and if I waste my days in the comforts of my house
interpreting scripture, worrying about what to say
and how that will affect my soul after death,
I will never be able to crack a joke with a stranger,
or hear the story of the man that lives under a bridge
or wipe the tears from the eyes of a muslim orphan in Iran.
The bible says not all who call His name shall enter the kingdom.
In seperating the sheep and the goats,
it seems that both those who were told to depart,
as well as those told to enter,
were caught off guard.
meaning to me, that though I have faith,
I must prove faithful to Christ's teachings.
He taught love.
Yes, he prayed.
Yes, he knew the scriptures.
Yes, he spent time in the presence of God.
But he also was authentic.
He made jokes. He was sarcastic.
He did things the "churched" people frowned upon.
often.
He broke traditional rules.
He focused on life, and on people.
He knew death would come soon enough.